Ruckus at the Hawke Estate
by Eureka234
Summary: For all Anders fans who would like to see some smut based on the romance scene in DAII. Warning, there is smut and some language. M for a reason. Fenris joins in later!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing. Bioware owns everything.

I do love Anders though :) ENJOY

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><p>The Hawke estate was pristine and ever so glossy, like an expensive sword from an upper class merchant. I suppose it made sense. Hawke was in the higher ranks of society these days. I had travelled to her room and intended to say that I love her, just in more elaborative terms. Everyone else was finishing dinner downstairs. Hawke had given me "the look" at dinner. It was that facial expression so specific to non verbal communication. It said 'Come see me'… with some term of endearment at the end. I haven't decided which one I liked best.<p>

"You're here." Hawke smiled "I wasn't sure you would come"

Hawke was enveloped in a gorgeous maroon gown with long socks. It made her come across like a too well behaved school girl. Well, I could change that.

"Justice does not approve of my obsession with you" I explained "He believes you are a distraction. It is one of the few things he and I disagree"

It was hard to believe I had taken these steps forward. It was even more difficult to fathom that such forbidden words had escaped my mouth. Why had I tormented myself so? Why didn't I let this madness end? Why didn't she?

"If you hadn't come I'd be out looking for you" she said.

"When I was in the Circle, love was only a game" I said "It gave the Templars too much power if there was something you couldn't stand to lose. It would kill me to lose you"

She stepped forward "You aren't going to lose me"

Saddened, I placed a hand on her cheek "No mage I know has ever dared to fall in love. This is the rule I will most cherish breaking"

She smiled, and held me closer as our lips touched. With sadness and anger I savoured the sensation of her soft, small mouth on mine. If anyone from the Circle could see me, I would be shot dead. Speared, more like. Or hit with lightning. Indeed, the fires within me burned ever brighter with this threat. I like to break the rules sometimes if it involves a special lady or two.

Well, one in this case.

Hawke pulled me by the collar, a daring gleam in her eye. It said 'Give me all of you' or 'Pound me until the bed breaks'. I could only presume she wanted her bed intact.

"You look nervous" Hawke said slyly. She lay down on the bed, presenting herself. Even covered in that thick gown it was too easy to imagine her naked. I tried not to get ahead of myself.

"I am only trying to contain my feelings" I said. I climbed on the bed so I was over her "I don't want Justice to take a piece of the cake"

"I'm cake, am I?" Hawke sniggered. My arms trembled. I could feel Justice protesting.

"Or a tart, if you like" I shot back, grinning.

Hawke giggled appreciatively. She clearly enjoyed my jokes in their distastefulness.

"I like _you_ much better" Hawke grinned. She pulled me towards her and I felt her tongue slither inside my mouth, stroking the back of my throat. If I wasn't completely enamored with her I would have gagged. My entire body shuddered. Justice was right with the 'distraction' description. This alerted all attention to inside.

I tried to say sorry. I fought with all my might to stop Justice breaking out and taking over. He is _not_ taking my woman or running away. No sera. Hawke took my quivers to mean enjoyment because she pushed her hips up and rubbed them against me. Maker, who knew something so simple could feel so good?

I moaned, a little too loudly for my liking and focused all my concentration on her.

I blocked Justice out and sought revenge with my kisses. I had to fight it. I held her down, making sure Hawke could not move. My mouth moved against hers with unmatched vigour: Wet, untamed and messy. I could almost get an idea of her breasts by the cloak underneath me. I bit her on the ear and ran my hands down her sides. It was like touching a woolen blanket.

"Before I do that…" Hawke began, and she grabbed me on the behind "this bed needs to be closed off from the public eye"

With a peck on the cheek and a swish of a hand, the curtains on the four poster bed whooshed shut. We were surrounded by a concave of rich crimson velvet. It was like our own little world, a tent where everything could go wrong and so horribly right. It was slightly harder to see, but the rustle and bustle from staircases below were stifled.

"Have you… uh… ever been with anyone else… like this?" I murmured. My cheeks flushed. I nervously avoided Hawke's eye. Hawke smiled.

"I bet you'd kill to find out"

"Don't even joke about that" I groaned "Answer the question!"

"Hm, a man here and there… a brothel visit or two. Surely you've dabbled in the womanly world downstairs?"

I gulped. Hawke raised an eyebrow.

"I'd prefer not to answer that"

"Why? Did you have a bad experience?" Hawke pondered.

"N-n-no. J-Just inexperience. I didn't leave a good impression"

"I wouldn't worry about it" Hawke smiled.

"But I do. A lot more than I'd like to admit" I said. I nearly turned away, but Hawke stopped me.

"You need to shut up" Hawke said, and she kissed me. "You can undress me if that would make it better"

I was so stunned I couldn't move. Hawke seemed to notice, because she slid out from underneath me and started to remove the clothes on her top half and tossed them to the side. I couldn't speak. I just watched with unwavering eyes as Hawke's chest became exposed. A magnificent exhibit created just for me.

Her chest had some scars. Her skin was slightly ragged in places where the battlefield had gotten the better of it. It all didn't matter though. I hardly looked like a paragon of beauty. Her breasts were perfectly round, although asymmetrical and slightly different sizes. The skin on a whole was unblemished, smooth and milky white. Opinion or not one truth was clear to me: Hawke's body was astonishing.

"Are you alright?" she asked me.

"No" I felt upset. Dark, untouched wounds opened up inside. Words are not my strong point for this reason "You've shown me something so beautiful I can't possibly be allowed to have it"

"But I want you to" Hawke insisted "Can I have you, then?"

"Uh" My face grew hot again "Yes, I mean, no… I mean, if you…"

Words failed me. Justice had screamed for me to leave her alone in times where my mind would otherwise be silent. The result was a dual sided mess which was me. It turned dreams to nightmares, sunset to night.

He wouldn't have much more say, though. Hawke grabbed the clothes covering my groin and started to rub it. Even through my mage's robes the effect was undeniable. I had to fight so my eyes wouldn't roll into the back of my head. As a result I probably looked stiff and sultry. My eyes were transfixed on the curtains. My mind whirled. I groaned. I probably sounded like a wounded animal.

_Justice, you better fuck off. _

I could hear him laughing at me.

_Block it out, Anders. Block it out!_

Hawke chuckled. Oh dear. She untied my robes and stuck her hand down there. She was met with hard, hot, wounded flesh. She gripped tight and began to rub. Fire rushed up my spine. All air was swiftly taken away. Unable to steady myself, I grabbed onto her head.

"No, no no…" I mumbled. Pictures flashed across my eyes, the ones Justice used to turn me away. "Please! I don't deserve this"

"If that is a real 'no' then lift your hands off my head" Hawke said.

I didn't. I couldn't. My heart yearned for her beyond what yearning could capture in a word. My knees buckled.

"Please make this agony end!" I pleaded. I managed to block the images, but the feelings grew more powerful. I moaned again as pressure built more. With trembling hands I pushed Hawke's head down. "Please make it stop"

"I'll only do what you say if you keep some of that energy for me as well" Hawke said "Deal?"

I nodded, biting my lip. My previous sexual partner had been right. I really was noisier than a drugged guard dog.

I would have been nervous if I wasn't so angered by my lust. How dearly I wanted her. How badly I didn't want to admit it. But it was written all over my stupid, pale face. Hawke planted kisses around my belly as she pulled down my pants. I shivered, and kept a hold of Hawke's head for balance. Slowly, she brought her mouth over me. I breathed heavily in an attempt not to scream. She increased the pressure and speed, making it more challenging. I kept Justice firmly out of the experience. Why he would want to witness it is a mystery I'll never understand. The filthy, rotten pig…

Waves and pulsations of pleasure itself made me start to forget my internal struggle. I moaned.

"Uhhh… Hawke, you will be the death of me"

'Guuwd" came her muffled reply.

My eyelids fluttered closed as I relaxed. Hawke kept giving me reassuring pats on my legs. A childish, but effective maneuver. The emotions intensified tenfold and it was as though my body was about to explode.

"Oh god. I cannot handle this" my breathing became shallower. My legs trembled "I just can't. Oh god… oh god…"

"Just scream already, you pansy" Hawke said. She replaced her mouth with her hand. Things were moving a lot quicker, wetter, steamier… "I happen to like it"

"Do you?" Now that I knew this it was somehow much harder to be genuine. 'I, uh… I'm… flattered"

I took shuddering breaths between my words. Meanwhile, I so dearly wanted to pin her to the bed and smash it into little pieces. I'd fix it afterwards, of course. The idea was ever so alluring. Once the molten lava would stop.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck FUCK!" I gasped.

With a sweep of my hand Hawke was propelled backwards and hit the head of the bed.

"Ouch" she retorted.

I groaned and pushed Justice away with a rage like no other.

Now it was my time.

_Quick_.

While Hawke was recovering I crawled over to her. I pulled her prissy, little pants off. I ran my tongue up her neck and kissed her on the side of her face. I rubbed what little I could feel through her undergarments. It was obvious the material was old and frayed. This just made it easier to manipulate. I closed my eyes and plunged my tongue into her mouth, angrily. She smelt just as good as she tasted. Like rosewater and honey. Hawke became limp and docile underneath me. She moaned softly through my kisses. She positioned my hand at a better angle. I tried to follow her direction. I jumped down to her breast and ran my tongue around the areola.

"Ah…Uh…"

It was like something I had dreamed except the sensations were a thousand times more powerful. I wanted to please that woman so bad. Sweat dripped down my face. She breathed heavily. She was noticeably quieter than me. Stupid woman. I was jealous. I wanted her self-control and dignity. I lightly sucked on her nipple, nervously wondering what she wanted me to do next. Her beautiful scent was tainted by the salt in my sweat.

Hawke pulled her underwear down with one of her spare hands. I assisted her. With magic. I shall not lie.

She let out a series of muffled sounds.

"What was that, darling?" I asked, briefly abandoning my post. Hawke gasped.

"Hurry up and fuck me, you stupid mage!"

This would make me nervous in other circumstances, but now that Justice was gone a newly found satisfaction and confidence took lead.

"I thought you'd never ask" I smiled, and I think the glint in my eye frightened her.

No matter. Let's not make the woman angry. I awkwardly removed the rest of my own clothes and tossed them aside. Hawke grabbed my hair and yanked it towards her. She kissed me on the cheek. We took a few moments to get positioned. Hawke was no doubt horny beyond measure, because she moved very fast. I took a few deep breaths to calm the remaining nerves.

The moment I entered Hawke was more beautiful than I can do fairness in words. Warmth of more than the physical kind spread over my entire being. A sense of kindness and sorrow lingered in my heart. I wanted to portray this to her. More than all that was a raging storm ready to destroy everything in its path. Sweat slowly trickled down my chin onto her chest; I planted kisses on her mouth while I moved. Hawke gasped and held me close. She was comforting, soppy and warm. Just like her kisses, but down below.

I didn't need her words to break free of my mental cage. Pleasure in its most pure, unadulterated form burst from my brain, my fingers, my eyes… it filled and angered me. How dare I be kept from this feeling! How dare I hold back!

I grabbed hold of the bed frame and pound into Hawke as deep and hard as I could. It rocked the bed and made the curtains around us rattle.

"Ahhh" Hawke moaned. She got louder "Ah! UHhh!"

"Do you like these curtains?" I muttered "I don't. I hate them. I want to fucking break them"

"Then burn them"

Hawke simply smiled in a crude manner. She must like angry me. I liked angry me.

I continued to thrust in an irregular manner, as I mustered all power in me to literally destroy the entire room. I grunted and moaned as the shooting, electrical ecstasy washed over me. It made me dizzy. Hawke squirmed.

She gasped. She held on tighter to me. Her back would probably be arching if I let it. The bed was making rough rocking sounds. The frame was almost scraping the floor as it shook.

Soon, I got the hang of what I was doing. The rhythm became more regular, but the poundings were rougher. I grinned as the frame began to creak and pull apart at the edges. I will not disclose whether some magic had anything to do with this effect. I moaned at every interval, and so did she. We were in sync, some unnatural, twisted spell.

The whole estate could probably hear us. Fuck them. Fuck the world.

"Ah, ahh… Anders!" Hawke moaned "It's so good."

"It better be, sweetheart, for all the effort I'm putting in" I grumbled. I moaned. She held me even tighter, if such a thing was possible. We were both sticky with fluid, almost glued together at the seams.

"I can feel it" she murmured. Feel what? I could only guess the end was coming.

Suddenly, as though my senses suddenly remembered what they were meant to be doing, I let my head fall back as the violent shagging slowed down. I kissed Hawke as I finished her off with a few carefully positioned thrusts.

She screamed the most wonderful scream I have ever heard, and fell limp. I lay on top of her and held her close, breathing heavily. I was not done. Not even close. However I didn't want to destroy the moment. With eternal gratitude for the Maker, Hawke re-positioned herself for round 2.

"Let me take your place" she said "I can make you scream too" Hawke grinned.

"Oh dear"


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing, I just wrote this. it is mostly dialogue at this point, but I think it will change in coming chapters ;) I couldn't resist! enjoy

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><p>I breathed heavily and barely managed to keep my eyes open as Hawke got off me. That was too good for words. With a rush I felt her warm, tender body leave my hips and was met with a flurry of goosebumps. The fluffy, silky bed sheet underneath me was pudgy with sweat. It was smelly and hot but so wonderful these things were barely a problem. I breathed in the scent of Hawke's juices and my fluid. Slightly bitter and musky but with that familiar tang of sweetness… I was so glad I hadn't completely broken the bed.<p>

I was feeling lazy by this point so I didn't mind being half asleep. I felt Hawke cuddle up beside me. She ran a hand down my overly sweaty chest. I didn't realize it was dripping so felt very self-conscious because of this. A clean up was in order.

"You're awfully jumpy" she said, voice gorgeous and soft "Are you alright?"

"Yeah" I heaved "I would really kill for a bath though"

"That sounds lovely. Do you mind if I join you?"

I don't have to tell you what my response was.

I couldn't help but go over the nights events in my head. When you spend your life as a fugitive it is so refreshing to have some pleasant memories to confide in. It was like experiencing the sunshine after a brutal winter. I savoured it like the foam on a decent coffee.

"Justice?"

A hand waved in front of my eyes.

"WAGHHHH" I jumped and splashed bath water everywhere. Hawke gave a disinterested look at the tiled floor.

"I'm not cleaning that, you know"

I chuckled nervously. I ran a hand through my hair.

"I get it. The naughty boy has to clean."

"Why's that? Were you thinking something distasteful?" Hawke asked.

I tried to concentrate and I took in the full splendour of Hawke's stare. It was an intense, x-ray vision kind of look. She must know what I did last night. Oh, wait.

"If by distasteful you mean thinking about you, then yes"

"You're too kind" Hawke said. She moved next to me and ran a tender finger along my thigh from underneath the layer of bubbles. "I think I win then"

"Why? What naughty thoughts were you having?" I asked.

"Hmm" Hawke sighed "I don't know if you can handle it. In fact, I'm sure it will give Justice enough fuel to blow up the planet"

"You really think so?" Usually if a woman said this to me it was a red flag to barricade myself behind the nearest rock, but this was Hawke. She was different. Her devilish thoughts were like those of an angel to me "Try me"

Hawke looked at me. It took so long I thought Justice had kicked me out of reality, but no. He was leaving me alone. It was just a hesitant pause.

"Who's the last person on earth you'd want to have a threesome with?"

I was so zoned out the question didn't affect me like I thought it would. I responded with a silky smooth tone to my voice.

"That's surprisingly difficult to answer. There are a lot of folk I wouldn't want in my pants, let alone see naked or anything of the sort. Yuck"

Like that greasy steak and chips I had in the Hanged Man when we were separated. That kind of yuck.

Hawke chuckled. I hated how sexy she looked when she laughed like that. Sultry, subtle and delicate like mulled wine. I so wanted to drink it.

"Give me some names. I'm intrigued"

Of course she'd want specifics. She's that kind of woman. She'd notice a graze on me and not back down until I explained how I got it. Even if I didn't know the answer.

"Ok, at the top of my head. Varric, Aveline, Zevran, Fenris… some people I worked with"

"Not Merril?"

"She's an attractive woman. I'd be willing to threesome her, if we were considering it"

Hawke bit her lip.

"You're not considering it, are you?"

"Before I answer that I'd like you to narrow down your list. Who would be the…"

"Hey, I don't appreciate where this is going. Do you not care about me? Was I a one night stand to you?"

_Go away Justice. This is not your fight to have. _

"Not at all" Hawke said, shocked. She ran a hand down the side of my face "Do my eyes not tell you the truth?"

I gazed deep in her eyes. I saw longing, pain, and sorrow. Love gleamed through all these difficult emotions. Of course she was telling the truth. I knew that look. It was the complete opposite of what I was used to seeing, anyway.

"You love me, but you were contemplating adding another member to naughty times?"

"Only for the fun of imaging it" Hawke blushed "I promise"

"Alright, love. I believe you" I kissed her "For now"

Hawke gave a shuddering breath "The last person I would want to have a threesome with would be Varric"

"So much hate for the dwarf"

"He just comes across to me as someone who wouldn't be very talented in the sack"

"Does that mean a lot to you?"  
>"It does if you're talking about sex, yes" Hawke confirmed. "Why wouldn't you want to sleep with him?"<p>

"Have him in a threesome was your specification" I said "I would only sleep with a man if I was drunk and feeling overly affectionate"

"I'll keep that in mind" Hawke smiled.

"I know it's not his fault he's a dwarf, but I think our heights would make things challenging. I'm sure he's capable of pleasing a woman… if she could get him to shut up"

Hawke smiled "Do you want brutal honesty?"

"I'm not sure. Will it make me cry?"

"I don't think so. It might make Justice angry though"

"I can handle that" I smiled "Do your worst"

"Alright" Hawke smiled. She ran those lovely fingers of hers up my thigh and lightly teased at my groin "If you must know I find the thought of you doing the deed with Fenris incredibly… arousing"

"Do you, my dear?" I tried to play along at her game. I ran my hands down her back and felt the round of her backside "And what is it about that _monster_ you find so ravishing?"

"Well" Hawke kissed my neck "How much you hate each other"

"Uh huh"  
>It was hard to concentrate with Hawke brushing her body against me. I felt my face grow hot. She must like me in the sack because I can get angry. Passionate and enraged…. Maybe that's what she was into. I sure bloody hope so. For my own sake, not <em>his<em>.

"I think he might be a good fuck, but not nearly as wonderful as you" she said "I love you, Anders. That makes all the difference to a girl. Part of our lust is satisfied by our heart, you know"

"I had a hunch, but you put it ever so eloquently" the thought of Fenris entered my mind and all my lust disappeared "I think even if I was drunk I wouldn't sleep with that… thing"

"Would you consider it…" Hawke said, and she ran her fingers around to feel up my backside too "if he was simply sandwiched between me?"

A million thoughts ran through my head and I didn't like a single one. Oh, wait… maybe there was something. I leaned to Hawke's ear.

"If being in a sandwich like that would make you scream more then what I've heard so far, I'd willing to give it more than a fleeting thought"

Hawke's smile broadened. A fire lit up in her eyes. She nibbled at my ear.

"You like my screams, don't you?" Hawke said.

I held back a moan as I relaxed all my muscles.

"What can I say?" I grinned as good memories started to come back "I like a good screamer"


	3. Chapter 3

"Remind me again why I'm here" Fenris said tiresomely. We were in the Hanged Man, the pub where you go to drown your sorrows in beer, cider if you could afford it. I managed to make a small pile of coins off what people dropped on the ground. You'd be surprised. It got me an extra drink sometimes. Fenris was looking the same as ever. He hadn't updated his wardrobe. He probably didn't care because he had no one to impress. Not even him.

Hawke had only dolled herself up slightly. She had found some lip gloss and mascara off Bethany. Don't make me mention her dress. The bar was noisy but I had trained my ears to tune the horrible banter out. I thought I smelled a rat, but it was just Fenris.

"I wanted to talk to you, Fenris" Hawke said. She sipped water like a good girl "Is that going too far by your standards?"

"He doesn't have standards" I shot back, unable to help myself "He lives off the floor"

_Damn it,_ _Anders_. I thought. _Can't you bloody shut up for once?_

"Tell me why I shouldn't just clobber you over the head" Fenris raised his voice. He leaned across the table. It was a good thing Hawke was between us. She placed a hand on Fenris'. This made me even madder, but I took a deep breath.

_Just think of her screams. Think of her screams. _

I am so glad Fenris can't read minds.

"Fenris, I wanted to see you." Hawke purred. I'm glad I could only see the back of her head. She must be fluttering her eyelashes or something brutal. "Could I buy you a drink?"

_Fenris, you better be grateful. _

"I'm not insane enough to turn down your offer' Fenris said "You'd have to go to your boyfriend for that"

My vision vanished for a second as Justice made a brief appearance. I grabbed the side of my seat, enraged. I felt a large clap on my shoulder.

"Care to join me for a pint, Blondie?"

Perfect timing, as always… as happy as I was to hear Varric's familiar jovial tone, for some reason I could only think of my conversation about him from the previous night. I suddenly felt embarrassed and ashamed for dissing my friend. I forced a smile when I turned around.

"You read my mind, Varric" I smiled, and I held my hand out like a princess "Take me away"

Varric beamed intrigued at Hawke and Fenris, as he guided me away. I waited until we were out of earshot until I talked. Because he was good quality he had already gotten a drink for me.

"Remind me to give him a good kick in the balls after this is done" I murmured. Varric chuckled. We resumed our favourite seats around the corner.

"If you don't mind me saying so Hawke looks like she's putting in effort for once" Varric said. "I'm guessing this has something to do with you?"

_No, it has to do with Fenris. Of course it's to do with me… indirectly speaking._

"If only it was that simple" I furrowed my brow "It involves that slime ball too"

"This I've got to hear" Varric took a heavy gulp of his drink "Will your lady care if you fill me in?"

"You'll find out later anyway with his loud mouth"

_Fenris reference, again…_

"True" Varric shrugged "It is always better to hear stories first hand, though"

"If you can believe it… my lady thinks its smoking hot that Fenris and I want to murder each other"

"Ouch" Varric laughed "Oh. She's not. Is she?"

I nodded; a dark dread hollowed my features.

"I agreed she could try get him drunk and see if we can get him in bed with us together"

Varric's eyes almost popped out of his head in mirth. He laughed like I had only heard him laugh at his own jokes. So pretty bad.

"They say geniuses are mad for a reason" Varric finally said "I… it is Hawke, after all. I'm not sure I'm surprised. I'm impressed you agreed. That takes true manliness"

"Thank you" I said triumphantly. Someone agrees with me! I wanted to look behind me, but I was too afraid of what I would see.

"Is it bad?" I asked. Varric peered his head around. He chuckled.

"WHAT?" I shouted. I almost knocked over my drink how I jumped. Varric waved a hand to calm me down.

"Oh, they're gazing lovingly into each other's eyes and talking about making babies"

"What are they _really_ doing?" I repeated. Varric smiled.

"Sorry. Couldn't resist. Uh, it is hard to tell. They might be flirting. I don't know what they're talking about from here, if you can believe that"

"I want to go over there and punch Fenris" I growled "do you think I should?"

"Save that for the bedroom, Blondie" Varric laughed and clapped me on the back "Is Hawke into S&M? That would fit nicely, don't you think?"

"I appreciate you making me vomit into my own mouth. Thanks so much"

Sarcasm at its finest. Varric rubbed my shoulder in that way men did and not make it be queer.

"I'm serious. You might as well enjoy it somehow"

"To be honest, I think her bed noises will make up for anything"

"She's a noisy one, is she?"

I grinned sneakily "Only when you play the keys right"

"Of course!" Varric had a way to make you feel like a strong man. He likes to make your head bigger. When your girlfriend was talking up the foulest specimen in the universe I needed an ego boost. Now I deeply regretted my comments about Varric. I'd take him over the filthy elf, even if it was criminally awkward. Varric peered over at the table.

"Get ready to leave, Blondie. They are approaching the final frontier"

"WHERE? WHAT ARE THEY DOING?" I didn't mean to shout. I was freaked out and angry at the same time. It came out all wrong like a mad nightmare from the Fade. Obviously this was the sort of emotion Hawke wanted me to unleash on Fenris. Urgh. I couldn't fathom it right now. I needed more alcohol, obviously. I followed Varric's gaze and met a strange sight. The two hadn't left the bar, but Fenris's posture had gone limp, his eyes big and lustful. Hawke was playing her horrible teasing game. I recognized the way she was running her heels up Fenris's leg. So it worked on him too? Bastard.

Like I was on automatic I only just realized I was walking towards them. I heard Varric's voice echoing like some distant memory.

"If It goes horribly wrong you know where to find me!"

I waved a hand to signal I heard him. He was a good guy. Fenris' hard, stony complexion got closer and closer until it was met with a burst of magic.

Just kidding. I promised Hawke I would be on my best behaviour. I didn't want her to get cold feet on me. Fenris would be the obvious rebound then.

"Hello sweetheart" I said in the most sickly tone possible, to produce the most rage in the elf. Hawke smiled at me. She seemed to understand what I was getting at.

"Hi darling. How was Varric?"

"The usual." I sat down besides her "Enlightening"

Fenris gave a strange chuckle at that comment, and I realized by the lack of motor control that he was more than a little tipsy.

"So mage' Fenris began. He placed his drink down "Is your woman telling the truth? You agreed to her insane idea?"

"I sure did" I said stiffly "You've got to admit that is a little impressive"

"Why yes, for once I am inclined to agree with you." He drawled "don't get used to it, though"

"Trust me. I won't"

Guessing by the grin on Hawke's face this was going exactly how she wanted.

"Shall we go?" she said.

Indeed. It was a question to me as well. How the hell was I even going to get within two inches of this disgusting, foul creature? I could tell by Fenris' face that he was thinking the same.

Then an idea hit me. It was something so brilliant only Varric could come close to it.

Perhaps we were both doing this for the same reason.

And by some wild chance, maybe we could work together to produce a greater outcome.

I couldn't even imagine what was to come. Only Hawke had the mind twisted enough to do that.


	4. Chapter 4

Hawke, the dear, treated us to dinner. Even though she probably had enough money to make slaves buy their own slaves, she was more than happy to cook up a meal all herself. It was a roast, but simple things can be great. It tasted amazing and was presented by candlelight. My concentration was soured however. I couldn't help rehearsing how I was going to approach Fenris afterward. He must be up to something too. Throughout our meal we kept looking at each other like school kids trying to grab the attention of their bestie from across the room. Only our mouths were full and probably didn't look too inspiring.

I clung my knife and fork together. Hawke yawned.

"It's amazing how exhausted a full tummy can make me"

"Would you like me to do the dishes, Hawke?" Fenris asked. His husky voice could be further from the sentiment. Hawke smiled.

"That would be lovely. I think I'll go lie down for a little bit"

_Lie down,_ I thought _a likely story._

I stood up immediately.

"Save some dishes for me"

"You're not my housewife, Anders" Fenris said. I was about to scowl at him, but he added "Do what you will. Maker knows I can't be the only gentleman in this god forsaken place"

"So nice to see you two agree on something!" Hawke jumped over to the fridge and refilled our wine glasses. "Take your time"

Fenris nodded. I smiled at Hawke, hoping she knew I was at my wits end. However, this gave a perfect opportunity to corner Fenris. I approached the sink as Fenris turned on the hot tap water. The gushing drowned out the silence.

"You can dry them" Fenris said, as he put on some rubber gloves "I hate that part"

"That's fantastic. It means I can wipe the slime off them" I grinned.

"Ha ha" Fenris muttered dryly. I saw Fenris' eyes dart to the door. I took a sip of the wine.

"I'm curious Fenris. You'll have to forgive me for being forward… but how exactly do you plan on doing this?"

A thin smile curled Fenri's mouth "I thought you were the mastermind here"

"Not really, I'm afraid" I shrugged "Honestly, the thought of touching you makes me want to gag. Varric thought S&M would be a good match"

"That dwarf" Fenris chuckled "I guess the upside of being a slave is it taught me a lot of discipline. I share your reservations. Even though the thought of touching your skin makes my insides shrivel, I can surpass it with pure strength of will"

"That makes me feel a bit better. Actually, I did have an idea"

"Go ahead"

The good thing about doing dishes is it meant you didn't have to look each other in the face. It was somewhat therapeutic. It made it easier to keep emotionally sound.

"The reason I didn't completely shut Hawke off when she brought it up is because I want to be able to please her. I thought if your motivations were similar… maybe we could knock our heads together and come up with a brilliant plan"

"Yes, that is my reason. I am also insanely curious as to how you behave in these sorts of situation"

"Why me?"

"Why not?" Fenris asked "I hate you. It could help me form some new jokes"

"Ha. Ha. Hilarious" I muttered "Alright, so because she's my _girlfriend_. I want to lead the way. Whatever area I don't touch, you can. However, try not to touch me"

"You don't need to be concerned about that. My attention will be dedicated to Hawke, no one else. But if I get drunk enough and things happen, I won't apologize"

"Fine."

There was a clattering as I dried the dishes and put them away.

"How much experience do you have?" I asked.

"Enough" Fenris murmured "More than you"

"Hey, elf. It isn't a competition"

"That is where you're wrong" a blood curling smile broke Fenris' face "I'll make you a deal, mage. Whoever makes Hawke expel the loudest sounds has to shout the other drinks for a month"

"Deal" I nodded.

For maybe the first time ever Fenris smiled at me, and I returned the sentiment. Things just got a whole lot less nerve racking, and a great deal more interesting.

"Let's drink up" Fenris said. He raised his glass "We'll need it"

We showered first. Or should I say things started at the shower. Nervously peering at the ceiling I slowly removed my clothes. Even with mild intoxication I was cursed with nerves. I kept my eyes on Hawke. She was beaming in a way I could not understand. I knew that I liked it, for that glimmer made her blue iris's sparkle. Chills went up my spine as I heard Fenris remove his heavy clothing. I should probably stare at him to make him feel uncomfortable. I did, but not for long.

Hawke stepped past me, brushed her breasts against my chest and turned on the shower water. It gushed noisily, breaking the silence. We waited for it to warm up. Fenris chuckled.

"You're treading on thin ice, mage" he said. He stepped up behind Hawke and placed his thin fingers across her shoulders "You might just have to stop me"

"Back off, you jerk" I snatched his wrist and twisted it in a way I knew would hurt "Be patient"

"I have been patient for _hours_." Fenris said slyly "I've grown more than tired of it"

He's lying. I know it. He knew it. He was sneering at me. He must be laughing evilly inside. Hawke laughed.

"You boys are worrisome" She pulled me toward her and wrapped a hand around my neck "I like it more than I should"

I closed my eyes and savoured her kiss. Slow, gentle and deliberately deep… My body was cold but my stomach was churning. If it was possible the nerves and anger made my hormones skyrocket. My heartbeat climbed. I wanted to make Fenris angry. The water had warmed up. I could feel the droplets splashing. I brushed my hands against Hawke's breasts. She gave a small moan against my mouth. She shuddered and pushed me back into the shower. I didn't see, but I felt the hot water pour over my head and down my body. A sense of comfort followed. I continued to kiss her, and tease at her breasts. She leant forward against my throbbing erection, almost as hot as the shower water. I almost forgot Fenris was probably close enough to breathe on me.

I snapped out of my daydream. Hawke gasped for breath. She moaned in a tortured, strangled sort of way.

_What the…_

I looked down to see Fenris standing behind her, running kisses down the small of her back, approaching her backside. I guess he wasn't breaking the rules. Hawke must like it. I was determined to match the intensity of his affection.

I kissed her neck and bent down on one knee. I was almost level with Fenris except I had Hawke's beautiful flat tummy to block him from view. I massaged Hawke's inner thighs very softly and ran my tongue against her cold, erect nipples.

"Oh god" Hawke muttered. Her legs were shaking. The hot water was nice. It kind of drowned out Fenris' existence. I didn't even bother to catch his eye. I kissed around her breast and gentle sucked at them. This time Hawke gave a shriek. She looked down.

"I love you, Anders" she muttered, running a hand through my hair.

"My lady" I heard Fenris say.

"What is it?" said Hawke

"May I use my tongue to tickle that wonderful backside of yours?" he said.

I slid my finger down to Hawke's most sensitive area as he said this. I could not let him win. I couldn't let Hawke's attention wander.

"Y-yes" she said breathlessly. She bucked her hips towards me "Please do"

I didn't want to watch. I could only assume Fenris was performing the filthiest of deeds. The combination of both Hawke's downstairs sanctuaries being pleasured must be Heaven for her.

"Aah"

She couldn't shut up. Good.

_Moan more, my love. _

'Fenris" she begged "I don't know how you are doing that but it feels amazing"

I admitted my tongue to her lady parts as she said this. Fenris might win the bet if I didn't do something. I tasted Hawke's fluids with the utmost joy. Her breasts somewhat shielded me from the shower water. I heard her grab onto the side of the shower.

"Oh my god" she murmured "A-Anders… I can't take it. Oh…'

The shaking of her legs intensified.

I didn't see but I could hear Fenris slide what could be nothing more than a finger into Hawke's back alleyway. Her breathing shuddered, but she kept her hands on my head.

"Shit" she muttered "Aahh… Maker help me"

"It's ok to lose control, sweet Hawke" Fenris cooed. How I wanted to punch him. "Just give in to me. It's ok. Relax. It won't hurt. I promise"

If she wasn't with me I'd admit that by the sensitivity in Fenris' voice that he would be a suitable replacement.

Hawke regulated her breathing and attempted to settle. My ability to perceive the situation was destroyed by flicking my tongue against her sensitive spots. I ran my hands up the back of her calves and was mortified to feel Fenris dig one of his narly nails deep into my hand. I could tell he was making his way deeper inside her. He had developed a serene confidence I could only dream of.

"OW!" I groaned "I hope you're not penetrating Hawke with one of _those_ nails!"

"No, you bumbling imbecile" Fenris growled "I do file them. Just not all of them"

"Right" I replaced my mouth with a finger as well "You should be lucky I can't see you. I'd probably spit in your face"

'Uh! Yes! Spit in his face, Anders"

Hawke… the poor, sweet darling. She was clearly merciless.

I was filled with rage only Justice could satisfy, but he had long gone. Thank god. I slid my finger into her other opening and resumed to pleasure her with my tongue.

This time she screamed.

"Someone get inside me right now!"

Desperate, she pushed Fenris off her. I obliged and removed my fingers. She bent down on all fours and pushed me out of the way.

"This works, right?"

"You sweet little puppy" Fenris cooed. He turned the shower water off "This was distracting me"

"Don't let _him_ fuck you" I breathed incredulously. Fenris shrugged.

"It's her decision. What would you like, Hawke?"

"I don't care who does it. Just get inside me now"

I was never so grateful I had magic at my disposal. I swept out a hand which pushed Fenris firmly away. I put a hand on Hawkes from behind her and muttered in her ear.

"Are you ready?" I muttered. Hawke smiled.

"As ready as I'll ever be."

She panted heavily as she pleasured herself with her fingers. Fenris was a great observer. He simply watched Hawke's dancing fingers very intently like he was trying to memorize the sequence. I protected myself with the wonders of magic and took hold of Hawke's hips. With hardly any effort at all I entered Hawke's tight sticky domains. I grunted in an attempt not to moan.

"Please, no need to be polite" Fenris said "Or do I need to teach you manners?"

Hawke moaned and pushed herself further up against me. I could swear she was almost crying. Her voice was cracking.

"Anders" she murmured "I love you"

"I love you too" I smiled, feeling all my nerves fade away as I increased the intensity of my thrusting. Fenris got up.

"Oh, _please_"

"W-what are you doing?" I stuttered. Fenris smiled.

"Taking the only free part for myself"

I didn't expect this. Fenris crouched down behind me and ran his tongue up the side of my neck. It was so unexpected I let out an unaltered moan.

"Fuck" I swore. "Don't judge me!"

It felt good. Am I crazy? Yes, I know it for sure now.

Hawke giggled as she moaned and tried to keep up the rhythm I had going. It had been severely disrupted.

'Are you afraid?" Fenris asked amused. He kissed my neck, softly. It sent shivers down my spine. His lips were cold but oddly refreshing. I moved my neck to try escape him, but I couldn't.

"You asshole" I murmured, running my hands down Hawke's back. "I'm gonna kill you"

"Are you?" a wicked smile curled his mouth "Good luck with that"

The elf nibbled my ear and sucked on it. The combination of that and Hawke's womanly chamber made my eyes roll into my head. I gritted my teeth in embarrassment as another moan escaped my lips. Fenris chuckled. He didn't stop. He ran kisses around the contours of my jaw.

Hawke seemed to moan every time we talked amongst ourselves. I tried not to focus on this too much.

"Don't kiss me" I muttered to Fenris. He whispered in my ear.

"Do you not hear the sounds from Hawke's mouth?"

"Yes, so?"

"I think if we can put on a show for her that will give us what we both want"

"What about the bet?"  
>"Are you saying beer is more important than Hawke?"<p>

"What are you two whispering about?" Hawke called.

"Your troublesome voice" Fenris said slyly. Fenris muttered in my ear at an extremely fast pace.

"Come on, Anders. I know we despise each other, but can we work together just this once? If Hawke's sounds are much better than this it will be worth it"

"What do you suggest we do?'

Hawke was bucking her hips against mine. It was so hard to concentrate with Fenris spitting in my ear. My heart stopped. Fenris brushed his nose against my own.i couldn't speak.

"Why is nothing happening?!"Hawke exclaimed. I sighed and withdrew from her.

"My dearest love. I apologize for what is about to occur. I hope you don't turn me into the Templars for it"

Hawke's eyes flickered with a strange, empty look. My heart pounded as Fenris' slender hand touched my cheek. I looked into his eyes. We'd never been so close. Nose to nose. I could see patterns in Fenris' eyes I had not noticed before. I was in a stupor. I couldn't close my eyes.

"It is like a growth this hatred inside me, but I hate even more that I can't resist you"

He was a good actor. Maybe even too good….

_Is this where you kiss me?_

I grabbed onto Fenris' hair and pulled it hard as he kissed me. My world spun out of control. I heard Hawke clap. I groaned. I couldn't tell if I liked it or hated it. Secretly I kind of liked it. I won't admit it out loud to anyone though. I gasped. Fenris turned to Hawke.

"How Is that?"

My jaw dropped as I noticed with some crude satisfaction that Hawke was simply sitting by us and pleasuring herself. I have never seen anything so fascinating and arousing.

"What would you have us do, Hawke?" Fenris asked, flashing me a sharp look. Hawke moaned the most beautiful sound I have ever heard.

"Whatever comes to mind" she said "Don't worry about me"

I slowly brushed my nose against Fenris', pink in the face.

"You are despicable" I said. The distaste for the man was completely overshadowed by how amiable Hawke was. How badly I wanted to please her.

"You're going to regret saying that" Fenris grinned.

_I have no doubt about that,_ I would have said. Fenris dug his horrible nails onto my shoulder. I groaned.

"God! You are unbelievable"

"Should we take this to the bedroom?" Fenris asked. "It is unpleasantly cold now that the shower is gone"


	5. Chapter 5

It was like a dream. A really confusing, messed up dream. Even stranger than it being surreal was that I wouldn't describe it as a nightmare. Varric was going to be dancing over the hills when I dumped the gossip on him.

I suppose I should try to explain.

As my wet, bare feet hit the sapphire bathroom tiles and I wrapped myself in a dressing gown I had the pleasant sensation of the water droplets soak up almost instantly. Soft fabric replaced the slimy wetness. There was that fresh shower scent lingering about. Steam wafted out the door, like city lights in a fog. Fenris didn't bother to dry himself. He wrapped a towel around his waist and left it at that. As a result water dribbled from his hair and torso onto the floor. He resembled a bad boy from a shampoo commercial. I must have been staring because he glared at me.

"Do we have a problem, mage?" he spat, voice grating like rust. I raised my hands.

"We most certainly don't. I was intrigued by your utter lack of personal hygiene. I don't think I've seen your hair clean before"

"Why would you care what my hair looks like when it's clean? I didn't know you made special effort to check out my hair'

"Only when it suits me, sweetie pie"

'You boys" Hawke laughed. She squeezed my ass and kissed my cheek as she wandered in front. She had put on a red nightgown, but I could still marvel at her curves. I wiggled my toes against the carpet and savoured the sensation. All my senses were heightened. Hawke climbed under the thick cover.

"Thanks for your wonderful pleasantries thus far" Hawke smiled "I'm sure you'd give Zevran or Isabella a run for their money"

"If I did, I'd keep it a secret" Fenris smiled.

_Oh, shut up you show offy wanker. _

I did the thing I had always wanted. I raised my hand and propelled Fenris back. He hit the bed frame. It looked like it hurt. Good.

He groaned and rubbed his temple.

"You're going to pay for that, Anders" he growled.

"Really?" I raised my eyebrows "Maybe it is because of your sissy hair but I'm not convinced you can scare me"

Fenris was disgusted. He looked like he unhinged his jaw. He grabbed Hawke by the collar and pulled her towards him, forcing his lips on hers. Considering how intense the gesture was Hawke adjusted quickly. It was as though I had xray vision. I could see exactly what they were doing in each other's mouths. They were exchanging very deep kisses, the kinds that penetrate the darkest depths of your soul. I watched completely immobilized as Fenris grabbed Hawke by the shoulders and pushed her down. He was on top of her!

"You bastard! Get off of my girlfriend"

I kept Justice away and used magic to help mimic the form of torture the elf had used on me: nails. I made sure they didn't break the skin, but it hurt. Fenris only groaned and had to stop for a moment. It was a loud groan, but definitely not a pansy cry. Varric's words entered my head. Maybe he was into S&M. Maybe I was only fuelling the fire. Maybe I had to give the elf a taste of his own nasty, gangrenous medicine.

I took a deep breath and climbed onto the bed, where Hawke and Fenris were making out ferociously. My weight on the mattress made the two of them have to adjust their centre of gravity. Fenris hips were pressed against Hawke. He hadn't removed the towel yet, thank god, but his throbbing erection was way too obvious. Hawke wasn't moaning, funnily enough. She was purring. What kind of messed up things was he doing to her?!

I pushed Fenris over. Like the pathetic skinny elf he was, he hit his head against the wall. I laughed.

"You are a curse, mage" he grumbled. He wiped the saliva off his mouth and pulled me towards him before I had time to respond. I felt his tongue dive down my throat. His lips were cold and had cuts along them. His tongue tasted of Hawke, which was both confusing and mortifying. It was so sudden and unexpected I coughed and spluttered.

"Disgusting" Fenris said.

"Yes, you are" I agreed.

Fenris ran a now very clean nail down my chest.

"How about you remove those robes of yours and show me what Hawke sees in you?"

"I thought you'd never ask" I smiled. I took the gown off and threw it in Fenris' face.

"Whoops"

Fenris coughed. He did that thing where he brushed his nose against Hawke.

"Have it your way then, Anders"

This time Hawke welcomed his advances, which infuriated me like nothing else. However, I tried to keep my emotions under control. Images rushed behind my eyes but I pushed them away. I wandered over to them on my knees, way too naked for my liking and ran my hands down Fenris' back. He grabbed me and tried to twist my wrist with his free hand but I resisted. Instead, I swallowed my pride and slowly lowered my mouth to his neck. I kissed him gently and slowly. His wet hair dripped down my face but this was little consequence. Like the smell on all of us, it was that refreshing, clean water taste. I sucked at his skin with as much force as I could muster, with the intention of planting a hickey on him. He growled enraged as he realized what I was doing. Enjoying pissing him off, especially now that he had slid his finger down to Hawke's lady parts, I ran my hand down around to his stomach and removed his towel.

He did not seem to care. Before he could take advantage of having his dick out in close proximity to Hawke, I grasped his shaft and lifted up the foreskin. He groaned, but it was a different sort of sound: anguished enjoyment. I understood the sentiment only too well.

I wet my hand with a nice glop of saliva and started to jerk him off while I kissed him on the neck. I pretended he was Hawke. If she was in front of me and not him, this is probably how I would respond.

I almost had a heart attack and stopped everything when Fenris moaned. It was always kind of awkward the first time you heard someone's unique blueprint of a sound. His was unexpected. Although I had no words to describe its uniqueness. Hawke giggled. I saw out of the corner of my eye as she lay down.

"There's plenty of me to go around, boys" she had a very sexy grin on her face 'For free too, if you can believe it"

"A tempting proposition" Fenris agreed. He grabbed the bed sheets directly beside him and twitched uncontrollably at the wrists "However, I am incapacitated"

"Let me help you with th-" Hawke began, but I could guess what she was going to do

"Nooo you don't" I said. I jerked Fenris off harder. "I can do it instead"

"Do I want to know?" Fenris said, with dread.

"Only if you like queer erotic tales, my friend"

I crawled so I was in between Hawke and Fenris. I bent myself down and lowered my lips onto Fenris' manhood. Yes, I can safely say my sanity was gone by this point. Fenris grunted. He grabbed onto my head and I could feel his wrists twitching again. Hawke moaned too. Oh god, that was so beautiful. I sucked harder, faster. I tried to relax so I wouldn't gag and vomit on him. Hawke's sounds drowned out all perception. I could even ignore Fenris's slightly disturbing array of sounds.

"My lady parts need some love' Hawke said 'who would like to volunteer?"

We both abandoned our posts at the speed of light. As though sucking Fenris off had somehow turned us into clones, we moved in a similar manner on either side of Hawke. I kissed one cheek, Fenris kissed the other. We both fondled with a boob in turn. She screamed.

"Oh, thank the sweet Maker! You boys deserve medals"

"I have often been told that, but not by beautiful women like yourself" Fenris said

"Oh, how fascinating... Do you wank off men often?" I asked. I kissed Hawke closer to her jaw.

"If I did, I wouldn't be likely to tell you, mage" Fenris smiled.

"So that means yes."

Fenris ignored me, moved himself lower and ran his tongue along Hawke's breasts. He moved one of his non-nail fingers to her clitoris and mimicked with uncanny precision Hawke's movements from earlier.

"Oh…" Hawke moaned. She was flushed in the face. Eyes shut, completely immersed in ecstasy. "Is it possible to have more?"

I sucked on Hawke's other nipple while I ran my fingers up and down her neck. She squirmed.

"Anders, I love you"

Fenris didn't seem to care that I was right next to him. He moved back and brought his mouth downstairs.

"Fenris!" I protested incredulously

Fenris waggled a finger to tell me to shut up. Taking over the top position, I gently flicked at the nipple Fenris had abandoned while I sucked her other one. Hawke was clearly having some kind of sex seizure. She started to shake. She screamed.

"I don't want it to end" she groaned "please, I want it to keep going"

"Hold on, Hawke" Fenris said. He whacked me over the head. "That's enough"

"B-but we were going so well"

"I said stop. We need her to last longer than this"

'Thank you" Hawke said with a heavy sigh. Fenris climbed over to the side of the bed and opened the top beside draw.

"Where do you keep… aha… nevermind"

Protection was in that draw because that's how organized Hawke was. Fenris ripped open the packet.

"What's your plan?" I asked.

"I'm contemplating buttfucking you while you hold Hawke's hands behind her back"

"What good will that do?" I protested "And are you fucking serious?"

"The sounds will be of great use to Hawke, I'm certain" Fenris said darkly

"Well, if you must know I'm not too proficient in the art of buttfucking. May I kindly decline? It would take too long"

"Fine. You can have me then." He chuckled "Don't worry. If you think it feels horrible you can stop"

"Oooh, can I watch?" Hawke said slyly. Fenris smiled.

"You can, sweetheart. You just won't be allowed to do anything"

Her features fell. It would be teasing at the highest degree. I sighed.

"I brought lubricant' Fenris said "It is by the bed"

"Ah yes, I remember" Hawke grabbed it. She looked at me, concerned "You sure you're alright, honey?"

I sighed "I've endured worse experiences than this. I'll give it a go. I just need to relax ffirs…ahh"

I couldn't restrain a moan as Fenris grabbed me from down below and started to jerk me off. I am ashamed to admit he was very good with his hands. My breathing was shallow and heavy.

"Goddamn you, elf" I groaned. Fenris peered at Hawke.

"You alright, Hawke?"

"I've never been better" Hawke said breathlessly. She was fingering herself again. Fenris chuckled.

'You know by doing that you're only going to make things worse for yourself"

"Perhaps. I just can't resist how attractive the two of you are."

"Oh my god" I murmured as Fenris started to suck me off "mmm"

Hawke 's moans were getting louder.

"Don't get ahead of yourself, my love" I said, and I looked her right in the eyes. She was astoundingly beautiful. Fenris raised his head.

"Right. Get lots of lubricant on, and keep putting it on" Fenris said. He had done this before. I had no doubt about it. He turned away from me so he was looking at Hawke too.

"Come here, you naughty specimen" Fenris said. Hawke blushed, and moved forward just enough that Fenris could pin down her hands at her sides. Fenris was on all fours now. I felt really filthy at this moment, and it wasn't because Fenris had a bad body or anything. He was an attractive man, as slim as he was. I was just nervous I wouldn't be any good. It disturbed me that I wanted to impress Fenris. I followed his instruction and raised my eyes to the ceiling.

_Maker, help me_. I prayed. Please let this work. You may be surprised butfucking didn't gross me out. I had been grossed out by far worse things on the battlefield and with darkspawn, so this seemed like nothing. I placed a hand on Fenris' hips to try hold him in place.

"I know what I'm doing. Just guide yourself in the right spot" Fenris said

"Where is the right spot?"  
><em>Oh my god, how embarrassing. <em>

Hawke laughed at me.

"Oh, the politics of it all" she cackled.

Alright, long story short I managed to penetrate Fenris' back alleyway and I discovered that must be his bread and butter because he made a great deal more noise than before.

_Maker, he's loud. _

I seriously questioned that man's sexuality. I suppose that's rude of me, isn't it?

My breathing got heavy and a flushed feeling rippled across my body, turning my brain to a murky fog. I managed to get a hang of the rhythm and increased it slightly.

You may be surprised to hear that the inside was very similar to a female's interior. As a result, it was very easy to forget what I was doing. I hated how good it felt. I bucked my hips against his with as much force as I could muster. Sweat dripped down my face. I moaned beyond all recognition. Hell, if he was going to lose his dignity over this, I might as well too.

I heard Hawke wrestle against Fenris' grip, complaining constantly.

"Please! Let me go"

'Not a chance" Fenris shot through gritted teeth. He squirmed and moaned. However, despite how much pleasure he was experiencing, he kept Hawke's hands very still. I saw those nails dig into her wrists. She squealed.

"Please help me."

I moaned.

"Not so awful, is it Anders?" Fenris grinned.

"Hush" I said.

I rocked faster and faster against Fenris', losing myself in the sensation. I applied more lube as needed. It was very noisy. That familiar squishing sound of wet body parts against each other added to the effect. Fenris groaned. He almost let go of Hawke.

I found the perfect rhythm and wallowed in it. It happened fast. The rocking reached an upright halt and I yelled in an attempt to mask a moan.

"FUCK"

Pulse, pulse, pulse… my fluids gushed inside what I can imagine was a very soaked Fenris. He laughed. It was such a merciless laugh I couldn't tell if he was laughing at me, with me, or at something else entirely. Hawke moaned.

"I… I need …'

"You don't need to suffer anymore, Hawke"

Fenris carefully moved away from me and i struggled to regain my consciousness.

"I'll get cleaned up"

I moved as quick as I could to avoid missing out on what came next. When I returned Hawke and Fenris were kissing each other in a more affectionate, sensitive matter than before. If Fenris loved Hawke like I did, this is probably how it would present itself.

_Did he?_ I wondered. I shook it out of my brain.

Hawke was on top this time.

"Can I put on a show for you, darling?" she asked me. I blinked. I was still out of it from that giant orgasm.

"Do you want to fuck Fenris while I watch?"

Fenris peered at me with a blank expression "I understand if you have reservations. It is up to you"

I was too drunken with sleepiness and a sense of elatedness to invent a witty come back.

* * *

><p>"You are one crazy man" Varric said. It was a month later in the Hanged man. Hawke and I were still together, happier than ever. Fenris had returned to his solemn lifestyle, whatever he did. He did come around for lunches sometimes, though. You can't go through something like that together and not treat each other with some newly found respect. I understand it is quite rare in this society to keep up friendships, but I suppose our encounter had not been that bad.<p>

"Who won the bet?"

"No one did" I said "We agreed to just shout each other drinks when we see fit"

"It must have been worth it then?"

"Oh, yes" I nodded "and I lost my sanity a long time ago. Maybe that's why I could do it. I have a new skill set anyway. We all agreed it was a one and done. I know Hawke is faithful to me. She is a very honest person"

"I get the impression you don't despise Fenris anymore"

I laughed "I do. Just slightly less so than usual"

Fenris and I caught each other's gaze from across the room and I knew he despised me to the same extent.


	6. Chapter 6

_Authors notes:_ Shout out to Fadargen for reading my story. She's written the most amazing Fenris romance fic ever... The Volunteer Slave. Please check it out if you haven't already. I've written this next section for her. She said she liked the two male characters in the story!

* * *

><p>Hawke and I stored fresh vegetables away in the fridge from paper bags. I wiped sweat off my brow . The summer air was putrid with humidity. It was nice to abandon the sun and be cooled by the stony interiors of the Hawke Estate. Thankfully, we didn't have many bother us.<br>"There's a letter by your desk, serre" said Bodahn from behind me.

"Maker! I didn't see you" I jumped.  
>"Excellent . I'll get right to it" Hawke smiled.<br>He bowed and left the room. Hawke rearranged some jars inside the cupboard.  
>"Could you get it for me please, honey?"<br>My insides melted from her tone.

_She calls me 'honey'_ I thought with pride. Yes, I am allowed to feel proud for having such a marvellous life partner.

I dashed to the next room, picked up the letter and peeled the envelope carefully open. The paper was tinted gold with wavy patterns. It looked expensive. The scrawl was messy but legible

"Dearest Hawke and Anders,"  
>It dawned on me this morning that I have been an ungrateful, terrible companion, so I would like to invite you to dinner Friday night. I will do all the cooking. You don't even have to bring dessert. I humbly insist you don't contribute.<br>I await your reply  
>Fenris"<p>

We decided to go, pleasantly surprised with the invitation. As fate would have it when you're excited about something, Friday rolled around very fast. Before I knew it Hawke was lifting the golden door knocker and letting it fall with a clang.  
>There was a distant scurry of bare feet and the door swung open. Fenris had actually changed the clothes we was wearing. Guilty as charged. Hawke had got some for him as a gift a few months ago. He was wearing black linen shirt and trousers that fell just past his knees. The material was a bit loose which made him look abnormally skinny. His silver hair fell lazily over his Eyes, and thank the Maker, he had a genuine smile on his lips. A small smile, but not a smirk for once!<br>"Welcome" he said shortly "I'm pleased to see you followed my orders to not be generous"  
>"It was a difficult task, believe me" Hawke smiled. Fenris stepped aside to let us through<br>"Anders" he said stiffly as I passed  
>"Fenris" I returned the business like tone. Any residue weirdness from our sandwhiched sexual encounter had dried up a long while ago. It was 6 months ago, how times flies. A strange sort of neutrality remained. We each had a respectful tolerance of the other. This is probably a good thing or Hawke would probably request repeat encounters, which would leave our relationship in a fragile state.<br>The mansion was nearly deserted, only Fenris had put some effort into the dining room. By effort, he had set the table and lit a small handful of candles . They all were different colours and had different length wicks which lead me to believe he had just rummaged around and found them last second. It was a frugal gesture, but effective.  
>"How lovely" Hawke said as she sat down "thanks again for inviting us"<br>I suppressed a snort, although I must admit for Fenris this was some sort of miracle. Maybe it was uncalled for.  
>I sat down, next to her. Small plates with silver rims were already in front of us. The tablecloth was a velvet sort of maroon. I looked up to see what Fenris had prepared for our meal. I couldn't see. He was rummaging around for what I could assume was a serving plate. I could have sworn I saw him quickly avert his eyes from something.<br>"How's the housework coming along?" I joked. Fenris kept his gaze planted down  
>"Pleasantly stagnant, if you must know" he took something out of the oven "Have you had the pleasure of healing many wrongdoers at that clinic of yours?"<br>"It is pleasantly the opposite of stagnant" I said cheerfully. Fenris chuckled  
>"I'm delighted to hear it"<br>"Really? You don't sound it"  
>Fenris had found a plate and was now drawing something out of the oven.<p>

"If I wasn't pleased I would be no hesitation in letting you know"

"You two are so silly" Hawke giggled.  
>There was something different about the way Fenris spoke these days. There was less roughness in his voice, as though someone had smoothed his voice box with sandpaper.<br>Fenris brought some toasted garlic and herb bread to the table. The aromas wafted beautifully and enhanced the buttery goodness. I moaned as crumbs fell onto my plate like a landslide: the bread was very crisp.  
>"This is beautiful bread" Hawke smiled "where did you get it?"<br>"The markets furthest away from me… it is a nice walk albeit a bit long"  
>"It's wonderful"<br>Fenris was eying my plate with a strange look on his face "I've gotten used to cooking my own meals since I owned this place. It is a strange interest of mine. Food is something I've never really had the chance to enjoy. I intend to make the best of every opportunity I have to prepare a meal"  
>I swallowed hard "What's the plan for after this?"<br>"I thought we could go for a walk." Fenris said "maybe drop past a bar, depending on how you manage to digest your meals"  
>"Excellent. I love a good walk" I grinned. Fenris seemed to deliberately avoid my eye. He kept his gaze fixed on Hawke. Was he trying to impress her? He hadn't ever behaved like this around me before. A beep signalled the oven. Fenris jumped<br>"Please excuse me"  
>What kind of stuff had Fenris prepared? I kept an open mind and gasped when the most exquisite meal was placed in front of me. Hawke gasped, echoing my sentiments<br>"Roast duck with a cranberry sauce and vegetables"  
>"Thank the Maker" I said awed "Fenris, if I had known you were this good at cooking I would come raiding this place when I'm hung-over"<br>" If you should ever have the need, you are welcome" Fenris said. The words didn't match his tone of voice. There was something off about everything  
>I dug into the duck, marvelling at the flavours. Hawke frowned. She squeezed my knee from under the table<br>"Don't you get lonely here by yourself?"  
>Fenris stared at Hawke very intently<br>"If I said I did I don't need your pity or condolences"  
>"There's no shame in feeling lonely. I know I would" i added<br>Fenris grumbled and picked apart his own food in response. Perhaps his strange behavior was due to loneliness. Perhaps that's the underlying reason we were invited.  
>"Don't tell me how to feel " he said finally. His voice rattled with pain<br>I glanced at Hawke: did she hear it too? Her focus on food suggested she didn't. Was I going crazy? I squeezed her knee under the table to grab her attention, but it didn't do anything.

I tried to get more out of Fenris but he had shut himself off to me. He gladly engaged in conversation with Hawke, however – food, adventures, errands, work…. I rubbed Hawk's leg from under the table and chewed my food as slowly as possible so it would last longer. I had to deal with being ignored somehow. It was weird. Even in our neutrality Fenris and I could usually hold a conversation. Maybe I was over thinking it. Fenris put his knife and fork together  
>"Would you like dessert?"<br>"The real question is: where is the dessert?" I said jokingly. Fenris smiled at Hawke as though she was the one who had spoken. Now I really didn't think I was imagining it  
>"You'll have to wait"<br>He swiftly rose from his chair, quiet as death. Slavery must have made him quite nimble on his feet. He took our plates and scurried back to the kitchen  
>Dessert was fresh strawberries, mint leaves and a healthy dollop of coconut ice cream.<br>It was subtle, refreshing and delicious. Fenris must earn a lot tracking down those old slaves from this mansion. I wondered if he felt he could ever leave the memories behind. Hawke stretched her arms.  
>"I forget where your bathroom is, Fenris" Hawke said<br>"Just follow the hall until it ends" Fenris said, jabbing a thumb behind him. I noticed he had trimmed those deadly nails of his.  
>"Thank you."<br>Oh god, here comes the awkwardness. I had already eaten all my ice cream, no!  
>The silence was painful. It made it worse knowing how big and unused this mansion was. I cleared my throat loudly.<br>Fenris stared down at the table, hair covering his face.  
>"Do you want something?"<br>"Ah, not really." I said, trying to sound as casual as possible "I'm wondering if you want something. You know, it's super weird how you don't look at me"  
>Fenris moved uncomfortably in his seat<br>"Do you want me to sit next to you?" He said, voice riling with anger "Would that make it better?"  
>Fresh anger welled up inside me like an ugly boil<br>"What's with you, Fenris? Do you want to impress Hawke or something? Is that what this is about?"  
>Bam. I said it. He couldn't escape me now. I must have been blushing as I was impressed by my own daring. Fenris kept his eyes glued to the ground. He got out of his chair, around the other side of the table and sat next to me. I could spit on him if I wanted. I resisted. I was too busy trying to figure out what the hell his problem was. I caught a fleeting glimpse of Fenris's eyes and thought otherwise.<br>I jumped. Fenris had put a hand on my leg, the same way Hawke had done. What on earth? Had he been watching? This seemed to prove it so. I tried to look at him more, but he kept his face hidden beneath his mop of hair. His nails weren't digging into me. His grip was soft. When he spoke his voice was almost silent. I had to concentrate very hard to hear.  
>"Does It feel good..." He began "when she does this to you?"<br>I couldn't respond. I didn't know how. I just watched  
>Fenris was obviously waiting for a reply because he didn't move a muscle. That is, until he spoke:<br>"And you tell me I'm the awkward one"  
>The world vanished. Fenris quickly cupped the side of my face with one hand and planted a kiss on my lips. My eyes widened, forced to stare at the blurry appearance of Fenris' shut, pale eyelids. I felt his hair brushing my face. His lips felt different to how I remembered them. There were less cuts. The skin was less cold. He had the taste of ice cream on his breath. The kiss was very sincere and careful: fragile like the expensive lights dangling from our heads.<br>He broke away, picked up mine and Hawke's bowls and stood up just as Hawke returned. My lips faintly tingled from the residue. He had bloody good timing, that's for sure.  
>My mind had gone numb. I almost didn't hear when Hawke said:<br>"How about that walk?"


	7. Chapter 7

I became an elusive nothing. My mind replayed the kiss in my mind. I could still feel the slight wetness on my lips  
>Fenris kissed me ! He fucking kissed me.<br>It wasn't play pretend kissing like the time we had done the deed. It was real; I could tell. It was like I could hear Fenris speak through the kiss. Saying what, though? Was he trying to impress me?  
>Not directly, I decided. He was trying to suppress it, hide it... But like a flower, it bloomed when given the sun. I was now really curious. For what, there was too much to say. Too many questions. Too much emotion.<br>When we had the threesome I had wondered if he loved Hawke and was relishing a rare moment to enjoy her body. Now I wondered if he loved me. If he did, how did this even happen? When? Was it something I did? Why did he have to ignore me?  
>Hawke squeezed my hand.<br>"We made it"  
>I didn't recognize this pub. But it was a pub. There was alcohol . That's all that mattered<br>I couldn't look at Fenris, but I knew I would have to. After lots of debating in my head with Justice, sipping a cider and watching people drink, I tapped him on the shoulder.  
>"Can I talk to you in private?"<br>Fenris glared. But he nodded and obediently followed me out the back of the pub. We sat down on some stools. There were some erotic dancers, but for once I wasn't interested. Fenris sighed.  
>"You don't need to remind me of what a fool I am" he said "I already feel foolish enough without your help"<br>"Hey, don't talk like that" I said. I wanted to put a hand on his shoulder but I couldn't bring myself to do it  
>"How am I supposed to talk to you then?" Fenris growled. His old self was back, only more terrifying than ever. His green eyes were slanted, face contorted with rage. I thought he would kill me.<br>"I know I'm not the best with words so I deeply apologize. I'm just... Confused"  
>Fenris grinded his teeth together but said nothing<br>"I'm ... Really curious how this even happened"  
><em>Do you love me?<em>

_Don't ask him that, Anders. _Came Justice.  
>"I wonder the same thing myself every day" Fenris said, a distant glow in his eyes "I think after what happened with the three of us, my attitude towards you changed just enough to become... The beginning of something else"<br>"Right" Words raced through my mind "Excellent. That cleared up so many of my queries. What should we do?"  
>Fenris crossed his arms and legs<br>"I'm assuming you don't return my sentiments?"  
>"Wha.." I spluttered "I can't... This isn't... Don't ask me stuff like that!"<br>"Why? Does it intimidate you?" He asked.

_You're making a fool out of yourself _said Justice.  
>I spluttered some more before finishing with a resound "Yes. Hawke would be crushed if it turned out I ... Uh.."<br>"Excessively admired me?" Fenris suggested  
>"Sure, let's call it that. Easy does it"<br>Fenris pursed his lips in a way that told me he was thinking.  
>"That is an awfully ambiguous answer" Fenris said cooly "You don't need to lose sleep about offending me. You've done it enough times over our adventures together"<br>He's right. But I couldn't . I hadn't even thought about it before this. He... Fenris...

_Just tell him 'no'_ – suggested Justice. Once his thunderous voice settled what I really wanted to say became apparent.  
>"The kiss was lovely" I admitted, a faint blush rising to my cheeks "it's nice to not have you shove your tongue down my throat"<br>My breath vanished. My ears rang. Fenris was looking at me right in the face, except he wasn't mad. There was a strange, innocent longing about his expression: pained and lost.  
>"Are you telling me you liked it?" He repeated emptily, as though he hadn't registered what I'd said<br>"I-I don't know" my lack of answers frightened me "I- I wish I could say no. I can't. My mind is a prison, I know. It doesn't help Justice is here, either. God. Life would be easier if I didn't have to confront any potential feelings."

"Indeed. Life would be a breeze, wouldn't it?"  
>Fenris still had a lost, distant glaze over his eyes. He placed a hand on my knee and edged close to my ear.<br>"Does it feel good…" his breath sent chills up my spine "when I do this to you?"  
>"Fuck, it does." I covered my head in my hands. I realized what I was saying.<p>

_Hahhhahahaa!_ Came Justice.

"Shit. It does, but I love Hawke too. What am I saying? This is making me feel more broken than I already am. Fenris, help me. What am I supposed to do? How am I meant to know? How did you know?"  
>Fenris waited until I calmed down and my breathing had normalized. He squeezed my knee then left it alone<br>"We should get Hawke. Tell her we need to leave"  
>"She'll suspect something.. I don't know how to explain because I don't know. Maker, I know I've been a git to you, but you've got to help me!"<br>Fenris nodded curtly. He stood to his feet  
>"I'll tell her you're ill and I feel responsible. Wait there"<br>He wasn't far off the truth. I did feel sick to my stomach. As I watched him wonder back to his original place, I started to look at the table. I didn't want to look at Hawke. For once I understood a bit why Fenris constantly avoided me.

We needed more time to talk. She couldn't know. Not until I knew my stance  
>Why couldn't I say no?<br>I gathered up all the courage I had and strolled over. My legs felt like lead but I heaved on. A hand flew to Hawke's mouth as she observed my complexion.  
>"Fenris is right! You look very unwell. Are you sure you don't want to go home, sweetie?"<br>"I'm sure, my love" I forced a smile "I'll be right home once I'm better. Probaby tomorrow morning"

"I deeply appolgize to steal him away" Fenris said, and I secretly didn't think he was sorry "Will you forgive me?"

"Of course. Don't be absurd. We're friends" Hawke gave Fenris a quick hug.  
>I tried not to peer at Fenris as I kissed Hawke goodnight. How confusing it must be.<br>Fenris and I walked one way, while Hawke went the other way. I felt a pang of sadness in my heart as I watched her go.  
>Fenris gazed up at the moon, his features brightly illuminated by the glow<br>"Can I take you to my favorite place in Hightown? He asked  
>I raised an eyebrow "That depends. Is it somewhere roaming with Templars?"<br>Fenris smiled, it was a rare sight to behold. I thought I saw his eyes sparkle  
>"No, but you should still be worried. This way"<br>We weaved out of the main strip and beyond into some trees. The whole process took about 10 minutes. In clearing there was a patch of flowers. They had withered from too much rain. The grass was lush and beautiful.  
>Fenris sat down. I followed suit. There was a calming aura around the place. Fenris looked remarkably striking in the light. He almost looked abnormally beautiful. He picked at a spot on the ground.<br>"I somehow get the impression you are as confused as I was" Fenris said . I nodded  
>"I just don't know what to do" I said breathlessly.<br>Fenris took a deep breath.  
>"I'm no genius, but I have some ideas. Look at me" he commanded<br>I did, shocked by the intensity of his stare, the mild shimmer of his hair... Just like the moon.  
>"How does it feel?" He asked simply<br>"I , uh..."  
>It felt like flying, like I was on an adventure and going home at the same time.<br>"I don't know" I replied honestly  
>Fenris bit his lip.<br>"How about you kiss me?" he said finally  
>"Do you really think that will help?" I asked. Fenris shrugged and hid behind his hair again<br>Damn it Anders. You've kissed this man before. What's one more time?

_Don't make me vomit,_ came Justice. He was gone.  
>"Hey..." I said softly. I cautiously ran my hand through his hair, bringing it out of his eyes. He looked like he was in a lot of pain. His eyes were glimmering with tears.<br>"No need to hide from me" I said. Fenris screwed up his face.  
>"There's plenty of reason to hide from yo…"<p>

I didn't let him finish.  
>I leant forward and kissed him. First on the cheek, and then on the mouth. He tasted soft and inviting. Strangely sweet and subtle like the cherry liqueur he had been sipping. It was strange to get the full splendour of him without Hawke watching. Almost forbidden longing became apparent to me. I was going to get a good beating over this. I grabbed his face with my hands so he couldn't escape. Fenris moaned into my mouth. I brushed his nose with mine and absorbed the sensation.<br>"It feels good" I said, my eyes starting to sting "Oh Maker, it _feels good_?! What the hell am I going to d-"  
>Fenris pushed me over onto the grass with a swift movement. He climbed on top of me. He froze.<br>"I humbly, deeply apologize" he said roughly "It is wrong to subject you to this. You're too vulnerable"  
>I breathed deep, and marvelled at the rich emerald of his eyes. I forgot about Hawke. I needed the space. I needed him to help me forget. This was refreshing.<br>"Give me all you've got, slave" I smiled. Fenris's features darkened. Then he was gone. So was I. I savoured the darkness behind my eyes. Fenris bit my bottom lip and kissed me. He was tender, sweet, kind... And ferocious  
>He moaned and licked my neck. I moaned and kissed his lips, running a hand down his shirt. Getting lost in the feeling, the warmth… I lightly brushed over his nipples. He pulled up my shirt and licked one nipple, fondling the other. I groaned<br>"It's not fair" I breathed "you're not fair"  
>"Your existence equally frustrates me" Fenris said<br>"Should we go home?"  
>Fenris mansion turned out to not be far. This was good. I was getting giddy with anticipation. As soon as we walked in that was the end of it. It happened very fast. The door clanged shut. The echo rang through the halls. Fenris grabbed my wrist with a firm grip and kicked me onto the floor. I felt the impact of the carpet make my organs jostle.<br>"Ouch" I groaned "Do you mi-"  
>with a flurry of color, I saw the faint outline of his leg clamp against my hips. He was on top of me. His weight pressed down against me. I shut my eyes. He kissed me, hard. It was like poison. His passion infected me like a disease. I returned the gesture like a slave, a puppet to be used. Fenris slid his tongue gently into my mouth. I moaned way too loud. Fenris chuckled. He pushed his hips down on me, presenting the full splendor for of his erection. He was rock hard. He was pleasantly warm too… a nice contrast to the icy, cold floor.<br>"You are a terrible healer" he murmured "for you are unable to cure me of heart ache"  
>" I think it's more than your heart that aches, sweetheart"<br>I kissed his neck and sucked gently. I pushed my hips up against his. The fabric of our clothes tugged gently and added to the sensation. He groaned into my shoulder  
>"Does it feel good?" I whispered, slyly. I ran a hand slowly down his belly. Fenris groaned and yanked at my hair. I yelped.<br>His hand dived down my pants and he started to jerk me off. Lightning bolts of pleasure zig zagged up my body. I let my head fall back.  
>"Ah! Maker help me"<br>"There is no maker" Fenris said " you'll have to beg me for mercy"  
>He quickly moved down, pulled my pants down and his warm mouth covered me down below. He was full of passionate rage. I breathed heavy. Sweat dripped down my face.<br>"Fuck" I swore "Fenris, please"  
>He sucked harder, faster. He fondled a nipple with a free hand. I moaned. He replaced his mouth with a hand and sucked at my nipple. I squirmed. My body was exploding<br>"Fenris!" I gasped "oh, yes... Please... More"  
>Fenris suddenly stopped. I tried to get my breath back<br>"Get up" Fenris commanded  
>"Fat chance, sweetheart"<br>Suddenly all the colour drained from my face. Fenris became a distant memory. Behind him, I could almost see Hawke standing there with her arms crossed.  
>As Fenris pulled me by the hair and forced me to my feet, my eyes widened in horror. The tears of betrayal poured down Hawke's face. She trembled.<br>_Why didn't you tell me_? I could imagine her say _Haven't I always been understanding of you?__  
><em>_Yes_, I responded grimly. …_Even when I blew up that horrendous excuse of a building, the Chantry. You've been too forgiving of me._ I don't deserve your love.

Fenris grabbed my face with his hands and stared deep into my eyes with unmatched intensity. In his green ones I saw blue. Hawke's eyes were haunting me. So they should  
>"Where did you go, Anders?" Fenris asked, trying to read me. His voice was considerate and kind. It didn't seem real. It seemed as far away as Hawke was.<p>

I covered my face with my hands and cowered on the ground. Fenris let me go. I trembled. I felt the hot pang of regret rip holes in my throat. Tears poured down my face, seemingly from nowhere.  
>"I'm breaking her heart, Fenris!" I cried, rocking back and forth. I felt like I was in the Fade. This was too surreal "I'm a monster. A traitor. You sh-shouldn't have brought me here. I don't deserve your p-passionate love, much less hers. You should desert me for the horror I am"<br>Fenris voice was close. He had crouched down next to me  
>"You are both those things" he admitted simply "it's part of your charm"<br>"I can't do this to Hawke. I'm sorry, Fenris. I can't, I need to go"  
>I tried to get up, but Fenris put a hand on my shoulder. His fingers curled cautiously around it, like it was the first time doing such a thing.<br>"Let me at least provide you the courtesy of consoling you first" Fenris said "I have black tea, would that be sufficient?"  
>Somehow the words 'consoling' and 'Fenris' didn't go together in my head, but he had been sensitive so far. Anything would be more relaxing than this emotional, physical overload. Fenris tugged me gently by the arm and lead me to the kitchen table. I tried to quell my tears as I sat down. Hawke's angry face kept appearing in the forefront of my mind, yelling different insults every time.<br>I put tea to my lips with a sigh of relief. Like the power known only to tea, all my worries softened like melted butter. Not eliminated, but settled slightly. Fenris sat opposite me, no drink in hand.  
>"Does it help?" He asked. He must really have no idea about normal conventions<br>"Yes" I sighed, "thank you"  
>He got up and paced, unable to stay still.<br>"You have every right to walk out on me" he said "I took advantage of your vulnerability and forced myself on you. It is a sin I cannot repent for. Even though I know this does nothing to redeem me, I apologise."  
>"Don't worry. I forgive you"<br>_For now_  
>"Perhaps it would be more suitable to explain how my emotions changed. What do you think?"<br>"Yes, please" I nodded. I forced myself to look at Fenris to block out the images in my head.

Fenris put a finger to his chin, pondering where to start.  
>"After the bet the constant desire to insult you remained. My stomach was filled with the same ruthless fire. I had fooled myself into believing nothing had changed. However, an element of consciousness had grown into my brain. A part of me had earned your respect. It screened the smoke coming from my soul. Every time I went over to Hawke's estate I hurt inside with jealousy: how nice it must be to have company like Hawke. I wanted to break all your belongings because I wanted them: the toothbrushes, the pillows, the chairs... I thought I was jealous of you. I thought I was jealous of your glamorous life for two. Hawke is one amazing woman. However, as time went on by I realized I was jealous of <em>her<em>"  
>I sipped my tea, absorbing the information<br>"What made you realize?" I said in a hushed tone. A strange expression gained over Fenris' stony demeanour: hope.  
>"You smiled at me" he said "a simple act, dismissive even, but a powerful one. It filled me with an emotion so foreign it was startling. It was like catching a snowflake in perfect form. Total fascination and wonder"<br>I covered my face with my hands so I wouldn't remind him of what he didn't have.  
>"At first I was confused, lost. I wondered if my brain was playing tricks on me. I tried to block you out and focus on Hawke instead , but it was a pointless endeavour"<br>"I'd go bonkers if something like that happened to me" I admitted  
>Fenris turned away , but I could tell he liked the thought of me going bonkers<br>"I tried to ignore the feeling of calm and elation when I looked at you" Fenris continued "but it started appearing in my dreams instead. At first just flashbacks of ... What happened... But then it got worse. I would wake up yearning for your company. My body was equally distraught. The guilt was unbearable, so I tried to block that out too"  
>"That's so typical of you" I joked "blocking things out must be a special talent of yours"<br>"If it is, I am no way near specialized enough to tame it. Whatever I did to suppress it, my system would fight back harder. It made me angry, far more so than I have ever been around you. Only sadness came with it" Fenris sighed. He sat down next to me "I'm sorry for kissing you. I can see I have damaged you. I couldn't hold it in any longer."  
>"I, uh..."<br>Was speechless  
>"How long has it been?" I asked<br>"4 out of the 6 months since then"  
>I was unable to form the words I wanted. I felt useless to help him.<br>"This is hypocritical advice" Fenris began "but I would advise against trying to run from your emotions. It is a fools notion, futile and fruitless."  
>I looked Fenris up and down. He was strong, sturdy and slim. Perfectly formed. Elegant but rough. He was an attractive man, for sure.<br>"I'm sorry to say I don't think I share your sentiments" I said finally "you are insanely attractive young man. If I'm not fighting the feelings… I'd welcome you into my pants anytime... But I haven't experienced anything like what you've described. I'm sorry"  
>Fenris clenched his jaw, unclenched it, then sat back down<br>"Very well" he said shortly "I have a spare room, if you feel comfortable enough to stay"  
>"Yes, that would be lovely. Much obliged" I smiled, I felt bad. Fenris was hiding beneath his hair again.<br>"I'll go prepare it for you" he said quickly, and he scurried off.  
>Guilt was inside me for hurting him, but it was less than the guilt of hurting Hawke. I knew then I had made the right choice. These things were never simple anyway. Who am I kidding? Something like this was bound to happen. I took a deep breath and followed Fenris.<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

I found Fenris looking down at the floor when I arrived.  
>"Thank you for your hospitality" I said " I appreciate you trying to help me"<br>"The pleasure is all mine, Master" Fenris said lowly. I laughed  
>"C'mon, we're buddies now, aren't we? You don't have to call me that"<br>I raised an eyebrow as a strange sight unfolded before my eyes. He started to shake. From what I could see of his eyes, they were threatening to bulge out of his head.  
>"That's not your decision to make" Fenris grumbled<br>"Fine. If you really can't let it go I can call you 'slave'"  
>I probably shouldn't have said that.<br>Fenris stepped forward and grabbed my face with two hands. He dug his nails into my skin. His stare was one of longing. Anger. Rage. Sadness. Too many things at once  
>"Aren't you going to scold me, master?" He asked<br>"Why would I do that?"  
>Fenris's eyes darted "The bed is untidy, master"<br>I looked over his shoulder. The sheets and pillows were everywhere. I sighed  
>"Fenris, you must be upset. There's no need to hide behind this facade"<br>"There is, master" his eyes welled up with tears "there is no more room in my head to shove the emotions away. No more places to run. I am bare and vulnerable. I hate it like I used to hate you, Master"  
>"Quite a lot then" I smiled. He caught my eye and I swear his heart was breaking<br>"Don't fight that either" I said, which I regretted.  
>"The agony of not being with you is unbearable" Fenris explained. His voice shook with every syllable<br>"Would it help if you avoided me?" I asked tentatively. Fenris grimaced  
>"If it did I wouldn't be in this mess!"<br>"What do you suggest we do then?"  
>"As much as it pains me I think it is best to acquire Hawke's wisdom"<br>That's exactly what we did. But first I seeked Varric's wisdom. I managed to go out when Fenris went to bed. I wouldn't be able to sleep with this lingering over my head. It was close to midnight by now, not too terrible considering how eventful the night had been.

"That is quite the story, Blondie" Varric said. He was leaning back in his chair. His smile was lesser than usual, if only slightly "I wouldn't have guessed _that_ would be the repercussions for your adventure"  
>"It's awful isn't it?" I groaned, brow furrowed. Maybe going over it for the hundredth time in my head would help it make some sense to me<br>"Besides telling Hawke, I can guess the only way out of this jumble is to make Fenris socialise more. If he had more to do with his time I imagine it would might make the emotions easier to deal with"  
>"As brilliant as your idea is, I'm not sure Fenris is into parties and the like"<br>"It doesn't have to be a big deal" Varric assured me "just enough that he can keep himself occupied"  
>"Do you think we could do a men's night? You, me, Fenris... Go out on the town"<br>"Merril's an attractive one. How about you try hook them up? She's lost everything that's a something. I'm sure she's equally lonely"  
>"I'd have to go talk to her. You know that, right?"<br>"Don't worry, I'll come with you. It'll work like a charm. I still can't believe you told him you'd fuck him though"  
>"I wasn't thinking straight. What would you have said?"<br>"Maybe 'Sorry. I don't feel the same way' is enough?, yeah?"  
>"Big deal. I don't see how it makes any difference"<br>Varric shot me a dark look "Blondie, if someone you loved told you they'd be happy to bang you anytime, I don't think I'd be inclined to forget so easily"  
>He was right of course. I let my head fall on the table<br>"I hate your impressionable amount of logic"

Even with our plan to approach things, Hawke was a less than optimistic. I arrived mid-morning after Fenris treated me to some toast. Hawke seemed sweetly concerned at first, but her mood plummeted as I recalled the night's events. I skipped over the heavy making out, of course, but I was determined not to be dishonest either. A happy medium was afoot.  
>"Are you telling me you kissed Fenris, and I <em>didn't get to watch<em>?!"  
>"I'm sorry, love. I couldn't predict what was going to happen. If it helps, I don't know if it does - Fenris takes full responsibility. I know it was bad. It isn't totally my fault!"<br>"It doesn't help. I am so mad at you. No, I'm mad at _both of you_. In fact, I don't want you to touch me until this hiccup of a situation is under control. That way you'll know my anguish"

_Let me take over and rip the limbs from her joints_ Justice said

_Now come on, is that really necessary?_  
>"If that is what you feel is necessary to forgive me, then so be it. I'll get on it as soon as I can. Can I go visit Varric again?"<br>"Fine. Do whatever you want. I don't want you to go within arms length of your precious elf slave, though"  
><em>That was uncalled for<em>

_I can still rip her limbs off for you? _Said Justice

_Shut it_  
>"If that's what you want. I'll oblige"<p>

I arrived at the Hanged man as fast as my legs would let me. I was starting to realize how unfit I was with all the walking. Varric was polishing up some breakfast pancakes when I arrived. He wiped some melted butter out of his stumble.  
>"God Varric, do you ever leave this place?" I approached with a slowed stride as I tried to regain my breath. Varric grinned.<br>"Only to eat and sleep. You're back so soon. Did Hawke kick you out?"  
>"Not really, if you must know. Just out of the lovely confinement of her bed" I said as I sat down. Varric laughed<br>"Laugh all you want. I really don't like you right now" I said unamused "so I was hoping we could go talk to Fenris. Or should we talk to Merrill first?"  
>"I'd say Merrill. Give Broody time to do what he does best"<p>

Merrill's little house in the alienate hadn't changed all that much. The only difference I could pick out was a new set of flowers for the vase on the table, and a new tea cosy for the kettle.  
>Merrill's already big eyes got bigger once we explained our idea.<br>"Goodness me. I thought you were joking!" She gave a nervous laugh "do you really think socializing _with me_ will help him? I do work with blood magic. Unless you've forgotten… he does not approve"  
>"Umm- hello?" I said loudly, pointing to myself<br>"I think it is pretty clear that he has changed that snubby attitude of his. At least enough not to screw off people's heads over it" Varric so eloquently put my reaction into words "We got nothing else, Daisy. Can you give it a shot?"  
>"Hmm. If it's just me he'll know you two set us up. How about a party? I do like a good party"<br>"We were hoping to move away from parties" I explained "Fenris doesn't seem like much of a party animal"  
>"Well, if you want to hook the two of us up, that's what I like. So that's what I suggest. We can host it at my house! Get that elf out of that mansion of his"<br>"Not a bad idea " Varric said "you seem surprisingly... How should I put it... Nonchalant about all this"  
>"I'll admit the elf isn't my cup of tea in terms of appearance, but he seems like he could be nice if I got to know him a little better. Besides, I would really like to help out if I can. Just don't call it, a date and we have a deal"<br>"Done" Varric said "thank you, Daisy"

They shook hands.  
>"My pleasure" Merrill smiled "oh, how exciting! I've never hosted a party before. Do you think Hawke would help? Oh, I am just so excited!"<br>"I'm curious what the excuse for such an occasion would be" I said "get-out-of-your-bloody- mansion party, perhaps?"  
>"Just a 6 month reunion would do" Merrill smiled "I don't even know where to start, what to do. My clan used to hold festivals but... Uh...sorry.. Gosh, I'm tearing up"<br>Her eyes rimmed with tears. Getting forced to murder your own people tends to do that to you.

"Chin up, Daisy" Varric clapped her on the back. "Go give Hawke a visit. I'm sure a ladies touch is needed with such a concerning scenario"  
>"It might improve her mood, too" I agreed "it means a lot to me that you'd get out of your comfort zone like this, Merrill. Thank you doesn't seem enough"<br>"Oh, but it is" Merrill wiped her eyes "it's lovely to see you both again. It will be so nice to get everyone together like old times"  
>"Yes, it shall" Varric nodded "If you have no other questions, Blondie and I have other houses to roam"<br>"I'll see if I can get invitations together" Merrill said "good luck talking to Fenris"  
>She blushed pink as she mentioned his name but brushed it away.<br>_Fenris or Hawke first?_ I wondered, but Varric seemed to have made the decision for me. Once the door clanged behind us, he squeezed my arm.  
>"Let's not keep the love of your life in suspense any longer, shall we?"<br>He was talking about Fenris.

We were knocking on his front door an hour later. I heard the familiar scurrying and the door squeaked open.  
>"Anders, Varric" he said simply, and he stepped aside to let us through.<br>I could tell he was irritated that Varric had been dragged into this, but really... What did he expect I was going to do?  
>"I take it that Anders throughoutly embarrassed myself with his rendition of the story" Fenris said, getting to the point immediately. Varric smiled in a sensitive sort of way.<br>"Himself more than you" Varric grinned "in fact, I find your position in this quite entertaining"  
>"You'd find a dog eating its own faeces entertaining" Fenris spat "I don't see how your witty smile is supposed to console me"<br>"I place no judgement on you, Broody. Does that improve things?"  
>"Only slightly" Fenris agreed. He deliberately wouldn't look at me "Did you draw any conclusions on your travels?"<br>"We think you need to get out there more" Varric said "sail the seas, wander the streets ..."  
>"I have done enough sea sailing to last me a thousand lifetimes" Fenris peered at the ceiling "However, distancing myself from this abysmal building could have its uses. Is that the best you could come up with?"<br>"Sadly yes" Varrics smile vanished "a shrink friend of mine tells me you just have to deal with this shit somehow, as unhelpful as that is"  
>"You enlighten me" Fenris said grimly. He looked at the floor "what do you think, Anders?"<br>_My eyes are up here, you know__  
><em>"I was wondering if you'd like to visit the Blooming Rose with Varric and I"

Varric choked on nothing.  
>"Are you blooming crazy?" Varric said. Fenris laughed. He cautiously tried to look me in the face "Would your woman approve?"<br>"I don't think she'll care if I just wander about reception. That place has a certain smell to it, you know"  
>"I'm not sure Bianca would like it" Varric said, stroking his crossbow "Too much competition. But I'll take a risk for you two"<br>"We are all just going to loiter in reception then?" Fenrjs growled "we might as well just go drinking"  
>"We can drink in reception. They have waitresses. Pretty ones" I said.<br>"I hate that you're right" Fenris said "when should we leave?"  
>"We could go now" I suggested. The more time Hawke has to miss me, the better<br>"What about Hawke?" Varric asked. I sighed  
>"I'd rather just forget about her for a little bit to be honest." Yes, if I was honest I was mad. I wish she hadn't reacted badly to my mistake. At the same time, I was angry and myself for being angry at her. Sheesh. I needed to cool off, whichever way you roll the dice.<br>"Let's go!" 


	9. Chapter 9

I can only assume Merril had gotten in contact with Hawke during this time because we were at the Blooming Rose over the lunch period. Reception or rather, the lounge area was a nice place to visit. Exotic dancers were visible in the far corner, and scantily clad women served our food and drinks. We each got alcoholic drinks with some stew for lunch. Neither of us admitted it, but our shame needed to be squished. It was hard not to perve on the rounded boobs prancing about as I spoke to my friends.  
>"I don't understand the need for a big bosom" Fenris said, gesturing to the exotic dancers "that look has never done anything for me. It never will"<br>"Broody, you're missing out on the fun" Varric said. He sounded the same tipsy and sober "the bigger, the better, gives me something to latch onto"  
>"Does that mean the real Bianca has a pair of gigantic blobs, Varric?" I asked<br>Fenris stuffed a fist to his mouth to stop himself spilling his drink. Varric blushed  
>"We.. Uh.. I don't want to disclose"<br>"You have _everything_ written all over your face. That's why you want to keep us in suspense with one little secret" I said "Come on Varric. If you keep it a secret, we can only assume the worst. You fucked her brains out, didn't you?"  
>Fenris burst out laughing at this. Clearly, I was too hilarious. I smiled at him. His laugh had a pleasant ring to it. Varric coughed loudly and signalled one of the waitresses<br>"Excuse me" he hiccupped "my friend needs to be punished. Give him your worst. I'll shout him"

"Oh?" the waitress caught my eye and fluttered her eyelashes at me. Her brown hair was curled in locks and a gold chain weaved through her hair "How long are we talking?"

"Let's give you a challenge. How about ten minutes?"

Varric rummaged inside one of his pockets and pulled out some gold. The woman took it. She grabbed the shoulder of my robes and rubbed it.

"Let me punish you, deary" she said, pulling me.

"Wait a second" I said hurriedly "This is a mistake. I'm a married man. You can't do this to me!"

"Stop bullshitting" spat Varric "I paid her. You better go"

He was too fast. Fenris stood on his feet "Hold it. To whom do I owe the pleasure?"

"Stephanie" the girl smiled. Fenris walked between us and ran a hand gently up the length of Stephanie's arm, the one that was gripped onto me.

"If Varric is happy with this exchange, I'll take this one"

Fenris raised a surly eyebrow at him. Varric held out his hands.

"It's your funeral"

"A tasteless one" Fenris nodded. We caught each other's eye. I had never been so grateful for that man's existence. I almost thought he was an angel. His eyes and complexion were certainly fool proof enough. I couldn't even hold back smiling. As he turned away, I saw the corner of his mouth attempt to do the same.

"I hope to hear her screams from here, Fenris" I said. Fenris nodded.

"I'll be sure to try"

_Thank you. In the Makers name – THANK YOU_

Stephanie giggled, and Fenris was pulled into one of the stalls further away in the other room. When they were out of earshot, I turned on Varric.

"You bloody asshole"

I bashed on his knuckles so he was no longer able to lift his drink.

"Take it easy, Blondie" Varric waved his hand to try ease the pain "I'm sure Fenris's asshole was bleeding after you…"

"Shut up!" yelling was all I could do to prevent from killing him "You better have a good excuse for doing that"

"Was the outcome not exactly what we had hoped for?" Varric said with his eyebrows raised. I let my fist fall to my side. I sipped my drink. Yes, it had gotten Fenris socialising. Well, fucking. It's almost the same thing. I guess it depended on the method.

I tried to clear my head from imagining what Fenris was doing to that poor Stephanie. Was he trying her up? Beating her with a stick?

_You have twisted tastes_, said Justice

_I didn't ask you_. I spat back

_For someone trying to block something out, you're doing a terrible job. _

_Help me then, you jerk. What do I have you in my head for otherwise? _

The images vanished. I was surprised by Justice's sudden want to help me. I let my hand fall to my lap and jumped.

"Cat got your tongue, Anders?" Varric chuckled "You look like you've seen Darkspawn dancing against the walls"

"I…uh… Never mind"

There was no way across a million universes I was going to tell Varric I had given myself an erection while contemplating Fenris' pleasuring methods. I wouldn't have to imagine for long. A shrill squeal of a moan was coming from the area Fenris and Stephanie had occupied. Varric whistled, which attracted some stares. No matter.

"That's five minutes" Varric said "Either Stephanie is faking it or they're getting somewhere"

"I'm going to guess getting somewhere" I said, peering over to the corner "Her noises were weird enough that you couldn't fake them on cue"

Another squeal….

Fenris was capable of being loud enough so I was surprised I couldn't hear him. Maybe he was giving Stephanie what she wanted. Surely she must have to deal with enough ugly brutes working in this dump.

My erection failed to die down as I imagined Hawke's moans taking the place of Stephanie's. I imagined Fenris pleasing her. Maybe he was eating her out?

_You're doing it again_. Justice said.

_Keep out of my fantasies. I'm drunk. _

_I'm just trying to help. You're tipsy_

_Alright then…. If you want to get all technical, I feel drunk. I don't see what difference it makes._

Stephanie's screams got louder, and louder… I jumped out of my daydream as she sounded increasingly delirious.

"YES! YES!" she screamed, and banging noises could be heard. I felt my face turn red. Varric was laughing at me.

"Getting all hot and bothered, Blondie?"

"Shut up" I muttered "You think I'm weird? You're acting like this is nothing"

"I've walked past here enough times to numb myself to the sound" Varric explained, sipping at his drink "It's the equivalent of enjoying birds chirp in a park, if I'm being completely upfront"

"Is that how you deal with not being able to fuck Bianca?" I sniggered. "The girl, I mean."

Varric grinned, although I could tell I'd annoyed him. I had to concentrate to listen to him and not the disturbing screams coming from the other side of the provenance.

"Maybe, maybe not"

Typical. The most childish answer in the book… I sighed very loudly, and crossed my legs to try hide my erection. I felt another fantasy start to form, but Justice shot it down. I realized in my state of raging hormones something had to be done. I wouldn't be able to contain myself once Fenris returned. Hell, I wasn't a fan of trying to walk home with a hard on. I scanned the room and found what I was looking for: the bathroom.

"If you'd excuse me for a moment" I said, and I slipped away. I ignored whatever stupid thing Varric was spouting. I needed to reach my destination.

I had to do that awkward thing where you walk hunched over to hide my overly stimulated body. I hid inside the disabled cubical and pulled down the bottom of my robes. Justice had gone by this point. He let me wallow in my fantasies. I bit my lip as my eyes glazed over the silver, filthy bathroom walls.

I had a sour taste in my mouth as I struggled to keep quiet. Fenris couldn't just be shoved out of the picture anymore. It just wasn't interesting enough without him. He had brought on a new set of scales to measure pleasure. Something that went beyond what I had with Hawke.

"Maker, I want to fuck him" I found myself muttering under my breath "I want him. I can't stand this. He's possessed me. The stupid elf. This is _his_ fault"

_No…_ I realized… it was all Hawke's fault. _If she hadn't brought up the fact she wanted the two of us to fuck in her presence, Fenris would have never fallen for me and none of this would have happened. The whole thing was too complicated and annoying._

I came into my hands and sighed with relief as the feeling of pent up arousal, as well as my anger faded away with it. I saw the white, runny, translucent goo dribble onto the greyish blue tiles with a strange emptiness and guilt.

"This is _my_ fault"

* * *

><p>When I returned to our table, Fenris had come back as well. I tried to hide my embarrassment when I looked at him. To think that I just orgasmed at the very thought of…<p>

"Hello, Anders" he said with a sultry look. "Nice to have your company"

"People on the street probably heard you" Varric was laughing. Fenris sighed and pressed his brow against his fingers.

"People will hear _you_ getting tortured if you don't shut up" Fenris growled.

"I'd like to see that. Isn't torture only something slaves get submitted to?" I said jovially. I sounded happy, but to be honest, I shouldn't have said anything at all. It was just too tempting to bother him. Fenris peered at me darkly. Varric was obviously too drunk to string two sentences together. He took another swig of his drink.

"A-Anders here had to abandon the table because he was getting _turned on_ by your performance in there!" he laughed. I couldn't shut his mouth with magic quick enough. I got him just as the last syllable came out of his mouth. Fenris's expression didn't change.

"I see"

Varric would be talking if I hadn't dived my hand over his mouth. I tried to be interested by the alcohol stained carpet so I wouldn't have to look at Fenris. He sounded very calm when he spoke.

"I think that reaction would be normal for someone being deprived of love from his wife" he said.

_Oh, but if only you knew the truth…_ I thought darkly _that I was thinking about your scrawny little butt_

"You hear that, Varric? It's perfectly normal to feel uncomfortable in this place" I sneered. I let him talk again "Now I believe you should apologize to me"

Varric chuckled. He whacked me on the back "Apologize for you being an amateur? Not a chance"

I was eager to get home after that fiasco.

* * *

><p>Hawke wrapped her arms around me as soon as I walked in the door.<p>

"Thank you, darling. I knew you would come up with something"

"Huh?" I said. I placed a hand on her head. Hawke brandished a scroll of parchment in my face. It was very nicely decorated with stars and written in blue ink. It must have been Merrill's handwriting, as it was unfamiliar to me. It definitely was an invitation.

"We finished them just an hour ago" Hawke grinned "Don't they look great?"

"I knew you and Merrill would make a great team" I smiled. I kissed her on the forehead.

"Am I allowed to kiss you properly now?" I asked her, breathlessly. I had almost forgotten how vibrant and beautiful she was. Clear skin, brilliant blue eyes, gorgeous hair… what had I been thinking about Fenris for? Hawke grabbed me by the collar.

"I don't know. Can I take the lead?"

I closed my eyes as she planted a kiss on my lips. I kept them shut, relieved that I could still feel emotion for her. I was afraid the chaotic couple of hours away from her would have stamped them out of me. Now I realized how stupid that was.

"You can do anything you like to me, love"

I meant it. In fact, I craved her affection. I craved to forget what I had done in the bathroom a few hours earlier.

* * *

><p>Soft moans entered my ears. I breathed heavily as heat washed over my body like a summer fountain. Her body was so beautiful, so pure. I held onto her legs as she thrust faster and faster. A pleasant breeze from outside cooled down the sweat sparkling on her torso. The shade caused by the bed was a refreshing contrast to steamy night time slumber. Her back arched and her head fell back.<p>

"Anders" she breathed "I love you so much"

"I love you too" I ran a hand up her thigh affectionately "I'm sorry for what happened"

"I forgave you the moment you walked out the door to talk to Varric" Hawke smiled "It showed how dedicated you were to fixing the problem"

"Thank you" I breathed. My body was pulsing with heat, and yet, I didn't feel like I was going to die. It was a relaxed sort of emotion. Hawke leant down to kiss me. I closed my eyes.

As I searched the interior of her mouth the scene from last night entered my brain. Fenris' initial kiss forced itself into my psyche. It felt the same as this kiss. So soft and caring, like she so desperately wanted me to know she loved me.

Did Fenris try to tell me he loved me with the kiss? Is that what he was trying to say?

I remembered the way Fenris was hiding underneath his hair, hiding his scarred complexion. I had told him not to hide. I still thought that was true. Fenris was grabbing my tear stained, guilt stricken face with his hands and staring at me.

"I love you, you stupid mage" he murmured.

Hawke moaned from on top of me. I felt the bed rock and shake, but for some reason my mind couldn't grasp the full experience. My skin had numbed itself. I could see what was happening but not feel anything. It was like my nerves had a road block and was deliberately stopping me.

I gritted my teeth in frustration. I caught a glimpse of Hawke's face. She looked curious, yet slightly hurt. My vision had gone blurry. It was out of focus, but I could tell she was sad.

"Where are you, my love?" she asked softly. Her voice echoed like ripples in a pool. I felt lips on my cheek, but I didn't register it as real. They were fake lips, coming from a too beautiful mannequin. She held me close, her breasts pressing against my chest. They felt abnormally cold for someone who had been close to reaching her peak.

"Where am I?" I heard myself laugh, but again, I couldn't feel the words coming out of my own mouth. How could I speak if I wasn't opening my mouth? It was like I was watching a movie in first person, but having no part in what was occurring. "I'm here with you, silly girl. Where did you think I was?"

Hawke smiled slightly. She held onto me tighter. She pressed her nose against my neck.

"Something just didn't seem right. Did you drink a lot?"

"Only one" I said "Come on, Hawke. If you worry too much you'll destroy your momentum"

Hawke kissed me on the neck once, and then she disappeared. It took me a moment to register she had climbed off of me.

"I'm afraid it's already gone, love" she said "Not a big deal. I'll just go have a shower. You're welcome to join me if you like"

I saw Fenris walk to the on suite bathroom wearing absolutely nothing. There was hardly an inch of fat on him. His muscles were perfectly visible to the last curve. The spinous processes of his spine were very visible from this distance, as obvious as the lyrium patterns weaving their way around his body. He tilt his head in confusion, staring at me with those vibrant green eyes, like a snake preparing to strike.

"I'll just stay here for a little while" I said, my eyes gazing at Fenris.

When she had gone, I ran my hand down to my hips. I couldn't feel a bloody thing.

That was the first sign something was wrong.


	10. Chapter 10

The party at Merrill's house was on the following Saturday. I went shopping with Hawke to find her a dress. Merrill even tagged along as she wanted Hawke's advice. It was nice to see her outside of her little alienage cottage. It was strange to be surrounded by people and not feel like one of them was out to kill you. The sun was ablaze and delightfully warm.

"Oh, I love this" Merrill said, picking up a wooden bracelet "Do you think Fenris would like it?"

She was looking right at me. I turned away.

"What are you looking at me for? Hawke is the master at making people look pretty"

"Aw, thanks honey" Hawke grinned. I smiled back at her, but felt a pang inside as I did. What in the Maker's name had been wrong with me last few times we'd made love? Maybe it wasn't just a fluke. I tried to ignore it.

"I think it's lovely Merrill" Hawke said "We just need to make sure your dress matches"

"I'm not used to wearing dresses" Merrill looked embarrassed "I hope this helps him forget about you, Anders"

"If you ask me, he has terrible taste in men" I said. Hawke hit me.

"You're a great hunk of muscle. Don't put yourself down like that." Hawke said. She rubbed my shoulder to let me know she was sorry. I placed my hand on hers. I couldn't feel anything. My hand was completely numb, like I was a paraplegic. I tried not to jump away in shock. I clenched my jaw.

"Oh dear, did you eat something bad for lunch?" Merrill giggled "I always look like that when my food goes down the wrong pipe"

"I'm just wondering what I should wear to this thing. Do you think I should wear something hideous?"

"We'll find you something appropriate" Hawke said. She kissed me. Again…. I felt like someone had cut off the signals to my brain. This was beginning to get frustrating. I remembered how Fenris had said he had experienced the same process of denial, but the process of avoiding it only made it worse. Knowing this was annoying too.

_I already acknowledged I wanted him,_ I reminded myself, trying to search my brain for Justice. _Why am I feeling so uptight about it?_

_You don't want me to answer that_, said Justice.

_Yes, I do. I so badly do_ I affirmed _Please, tell me._

I smiled at Merrill as she purchased her bracelet from the kind merchant. It took a while for Justice to answer.

_It is a problem to you because you want to be with Fenris more than you want to be with Hawke. _

I wouldn't have been surprised if all colour drained from my face.

"Honey, is Justice bothering you?" Hawke asked "Your eyes are going all glowy"

"Are they?" I shook my head, as if to shake it out of me "Is it gone?"

"No" Hawke's eyes glimmered with concern "Anders, are you doing alright?"

That was it. Fuck the world. I planted a very forceful, passionate kiss on Hawke's lips before I strode away. No time for lying anymore. Something had to be done about this.

"No." I said honesty, and almost immediately I could feel the sensation of the pleasant breeze around me. I could soak in the sun rays as though it had just come out from behind a cloud. I weaved past the crowd, trying to distance myself as much as possible. Colors whirled past. This was feeling all too familiar for my liking.

"I'll see you at dinner" I called.

* * *

><p>I knocked on the door to Fenris' mansion as rage trickled into every cell in my body. If I couldn't feel my eyes glowing before, I definitely could now. My vision became hazy in that way it always did when I was no longer part of my surroundings. Sensation left my body entirely. Fenris's eyebrows narrowed as he saw me.<p>

"Is that Justice?" he asked. He tried to shut the door, but Justice got there first. He grabbed Fenris by his collar and pushed him backwards, following him inside. I watched as Fenris kicked the door in attempt to shut it, and scurry back in self-defence. He didn't have his armour on. That was one big mistake. Justice pulled Fenris towards him with magic like someone bringing in a fishing rope. His hands wrapped around Fenris's neck and lifted him into the air. I watched in horror as Fenris' kicked aimlessly while his face turned purple.

_STOP!_ I screamed, but Justice wasn't listening. _You're making a mistake. _

"The only way to stop this" Justice grumbled in his low voice "is to end your miserable life"

His words echoed both in my head, and rumbled like thunder outside of it. Like a storm was happening outside the walls of the mansion. I knew it was all in my head. Fenris looked Justice in the face, only a got the sense he was looking at _me_.

_I thought maybe it was the answer, _I tried to reason with Justice, _but it was a lie. Nothing can stop this. Let him go!_

Justice put Fenris down, but followed up the action with a hard smack to the face. Fenris didn't fall over though. He gasped for air, and punched Justice back. I couldn't feel a thing, but I could tell my nose must have broken. Something was broken. Blood was dripping into the floor.

"Leave us alone" Justice growled.

"I am, you infuriating imbecile" Fenris shouted back. He kicked Justice behind the knee. Justice fell to the ground.

I sobbed as I saw blood pour from the side of Fenris's head. He better not be dying. He better not! I focused all my might on pushing Justice out, the way I had always done.

"Let me have a piece of him" I shouted "Don't keep him all to yourself"

I was back. I felt my knees on the floor and grasped my head, gasping for air. The colours of the room brightened, became sharper. Harder. I was shocked to feel how much pain I was in. My face must be completely destroyed. It burned like hot coals.

"ARGGGGHHHH" I groaned. Fenris stayed back.

"Is that you, Anders?" he said "Or do I need to break another one of your bones?"

"So you _did_ actually break my nose?" I spat. Blood fell onto the carpet "FUCK YOU!"

"I assure you, Anders" Fenris said. He still wouldn't' go near me "If I had any choice in the matter, I would have killed myself long ago"

_Don't say that!_

I coughed and stood up, as Justice's hold broke away. I choked on what I thought was blood. It was the salt of tears.

"How can you even _think_ about ending your life, you wench?!" I screamed, my teeth stained with blood. I had no logic anymore. Justice often made me emotional. Everyone knew that. "How can you even fathom that no one would care? How fucking selfish are you? Oh, and you have _no taste_ for falling for someone like me"

Fenris snorted "You are equally mindless and stupid. You have no better control over Justice than you did 6 months ago"

"Shut up" I said. Fresh tears fell down my face. I could hardly admit it to myself, but I wanted someone to hold me. I wanted _him_ to.

"Fenris, help me" I pleaded, the quietest I could make it "I- I know you won't believe me but I came to ask for your help"

"You want help and Justice tries to kill me?" Fenris repeated "You definitely have your priorities set straight"

"No! You don't understand! I wanted to explain, but I got so angry" I sobbed "Please! Please help me! _Please_…"

Fenris cautiously approached me. He peered very intently into my face.

"Very well. How can I help?"

I started to shake as it dawned on me that no one could help me. No one could save me from these emotions. Not Hawke, not Merrill, not even myself… and certainly not Fenris.

"Just please make it go away" I pleaded, my voice cracking. I sounded delirious. I definitely wasn't myself anymore "Please… I want things to stop"

Fenris raised an eyebrow "What things?"

"You know…" I said aimlessly "these emotion-things"

"Oh?" A sneaky grin crossed Fenris' features. He stepped closer to me, almost breathing on my face "What emotion-things are you speaking of?"

I thought about a hundred ways I could have phrased this in a calm, sophisticated manner, but because of my broken mental state, out of the thousand of possibilities I picked the one that made me sound the most unstable.

"How I want to f-f-fuck you" I sobbed. I covered my face with my hands, only this hurt a great deal. I tried to wipe the blood on my robes "I know! It's pathetic. Varric was right. I can't stop thinking about it. Please! Help me! I don't want to hurt anymore"

I probably sounded like the sissiest girl. When I finally looked at Fenris, he looked surprised.

"You feel this way for Hawke too" Fenris said "to my knowledge, it should be easy to not act on these emotion-_things_ of yours because you have her"

"No, no, no" I spat, blood coming out of my mouth each time "You've ruined me, Fenris. You've fucked me up. I can't enjoy sex anymore. Not with Hawke. It's useless. You've wrecked my body! What drug did you put me on? Did you slip something into my drink?"

Fenris clenched his jaw "No. I have done nothing of the sort"

"Then why?" I pleaded. I grabbed Fenris by the shoulders "Why did you have to love me?"

Fenris peered at the ground, at the blood and spit staining the carpet, then back at me.

"You make me feel things I have never felt in my life" he said, simply "You make the world bigger, like I'm being born again"

I sobbed some more. I cried some more. I felt the pain all over again. I wailed and collapsed onto the ground.

"I hate myself!" I screamed. I pounded a bruised fist into the ground "I hate myself soo much"

Fenris crouched down next to me. He placed a hand very gently into my hair.

"There's no shame in hate or love' Fenris explained "After all, I used to hate you too"

* * *

><p>He helped me clean up. I then helped him clean the floor. A mug of black tea later and I was feeling a little clearer in the head.<p>

"I'm at the same place I was before" I said, annoyed.

"Where's that?" Fenris asked. He threw the last of the dirty rags in the laundry pile.

"Wondering what to do"

"I'm not in a relationship so I can't comment" Fenris said "However, it depends on what you want"

"Hm, if I'm looking at this logically. I know I want you. I want you so bad. More than I want Hawke, as horrible as that makes me. Secondly, I know I love Hawke. That makes things difficult"

"It does" Fenris nodded "Do you value lust higher than love?"

"For a moment" I said "but not for forever"

Fenris simply sat there with a stony exterior. He was very wise, for a slave who had seen so little of the world. So little of the good things….

"Forever is a long time" Fenris said. He looked at me "Are you going to tell Hawke?"

"I guess I have to, but I don't know how she'll react" I admitted

"If you're dead tomorrow, I'll know what happened" Fenris grimaced.

"You're terrible" I said

"So are you" Fenris grinned. I regretted looking at him. His face looked completely different when he was smiling. It was like a new experience for him. Well, I guess it was. He told me it was. I found myself brushing the side of his face with the back of my hand.

"I like your smile" I said "It's sweet and comforting, kind of like this tea"

"Bitter, then" Fenris smiled wider. Oh jeez, he was horrible.

"Yes" I smiled back "The most bittersweet smile"

I leaned forward to kiss him, but he pushed my face out of the way.

"Hold it" he said "Talk to Hawke first"

"B-b-but it's going to be horrendous!" I protested. "You're sending me to my death!"

Fenris smiled. He ran a finger along the length of my mouth.

"I am, but you deserve it" he removed his touch, and my insides pined for it. I don't know how, but the feelings were stronger now I'd admitted them to him.

"Can I barricade myself here if she wants nothing to do with me?" I asked, hopefully. I stared at his mouth… so small and inviting. Fenris picked up my empty mug and brought it to the sink.

"You may. I'll have bandages and handcuffs ready"

A jolt went up my spine "Handcuffs?"

"To make sure you don't run away" Fenris said simply "I hate bandages myself"

Yeah, yeah…. Whatever.

Leaving Fenris's mansion was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do, and I blew up the bloody Chantry.


	11. Chapter 11

It was like a repeat of that night, only this time I had something more to say. Hawke placed some pasta on the table, and her face brightened when she saw me.

"There you are! Are you feeling better?"

"Slightly" I admitted, and I sat down. I didn't start eating "Do you want bad news before or after dinner?"

Hawke looked at me. My insides tensed up even more when I read the emotion. Anger, and insurmountable sadness.

"Before" she said slowly. I took a deep breath and tried to be brave.

"I know you won't take this well, and I'm sorry, but there's no other way to say it. Do you remember when I explained that I felt attracted to Fenris?"

"Yes…" Hawke said slowly "What are you trying to say?"

"To my absolute horror it turns out I'm still attracted to him. Only I feel more for him on that front than I do for you. I'm so sorry, my love"

I flinched, preparing myself for the horror. Hawke brought a hand to her mouth. Tears filled her eyes.

"How do you know?" she said, choking on the sadness.

"The feelings are so strong" I struggled to talk. My voice was shaking "that when I'm in bed with you… I feel nothing anymore"

"Nothing?" she repeated, dumbstruck "You must be lying"

"Ok, maybe not _nothing_ but it is a lot less than usual. He's like a new octave I only recently got the gist of. It disturbs me. You can't tell me you haven't noticed. I'm telling you this because I don't know what to do"

"Answer me this. If you feel a lot less for someone than you did before, even if it just lust, is it still worth staying with them?"

"Yes" I responded, with some renewed hope "If you love them"

"Exactly…. So do you love me?"

"Yes!" I almost yelled "I adore you. You're beautiful. You're sweet and caring, everything I could only dream of being"

The words rang around the room. Steam from the pasta fogged the room slightly, but it wasn't enough to make it less cold and stoic. Hawke wiped the tears from her eyes.

"It isn't enough" she said simply "I can tell from your eyes. They're not the same as before"

"What are you talking about? Love is enough. I love you. It _should be_ enough"

I racked my brain, trying to make sense of it, but it wasn't working. Nothing did anymore.

"Yes, it should be enough, but it's not" Hawke said simply "The only way that could be the case is if you loved Fenris too"

"Me? Love _him_?" I repeated. "He…He's a man!"

"Is it so absurd? You've known each other nearly as long as you've known me. Years. All it takes is a little more lust and you've got a relationship coming into the picture"

"I – I- " I shuddered at the thought "I don't believe it. You're insane. Don't jump to conclusions"

"You don't believe it in your head, but your eyes scream it from your soul" Hawke said "I'm not blind. I can see things too. I'm not offended, Anders. I know you mean well, that you want to do no harm. You're a healer, after all. But if you stay with me like this, you'll only be lying to your soul. I do not want you to live a dishonest man. You are the most honest person I know"

She burst into tears and her face fell into her hands. I so dearly wanted to comfort her. Now more than ever, I knew I couldn't. Her words made me angry, but I couldn't bring myself to deny their validity either.

"I love you" I said, my voice ringing "I- I wish sorry was enough to make it not hurt"

"I wish it was too. Believe me, I do. I love you" Hawke said. She pushed her plate away "You can take some if you want"

"Is this the end, then? Do you want me to leave? After all we've been through" I asked. Hawke nodded.

"I can't stand to look at you" she sobbed "I can't stand to look into your eyes, seeing the truths I can see. I can't believe it didn't make sense sooner. You'll see it too, soon. I want you to leave now. You can pick up your stuff another time. I'll pack it up for you"

My insides lurched. She couldn't be serious… but she was.

"This is awfully sudden" I began

"It is" Hawke agreed.

"I want you to know I love you"

"I know" Hawke said, and there was a pleading in her voice "Just don't make me look at you"

"Alright"

I couldn't defy her more. I had fought my fight, made my stance. She had made her decision. It was indescribably hurtful.

I stood from my chair and picked out a container from the cupboard. Then I realized how wrong this was. Fenris could cook me something. Hawke needed all the comfort food she could get her pretty hands on. I left the container on the bench. I walked over to the table and served Hawke some pasta, sprinkling it with grated cheese. God, it smelt good. I kissed her on the head.

"Thank you for some beautiful memories" I whispered, rubbing her back "I won't forget, I promise"

As I walked out the door once again I heard her sobs toss out of control, like a tidal wave that pushed her deep under the earth's surface.

_Hawke's gone._ I thought. I stood very still, enraptured by the dark and stillness.

"She's actually gone" I said it out loud, as the truth sunk inside. This was way too much to happen in such a short space of time. I felt that familiar lump in my throat appear. Tears trickled down my face.

"Oh Maker, I _am_ an abomination" I said with a croaky voice. I walked down the steps and soaked in the Hightown air. It was both a blessing and curse that Fenris's mansion resided in the same area. Maybe too close to comfort. It would be hard to feel ok inside passing by this building from now on. I cried the entire way from Hawke's giant estate, to Fenris's equally gigantic mansion.

* * *

><p>Fenris's eyebrows disappeared into his hair when he saw me.<p>

"Hawke didn't kill you" he said "Yet you don't look happy about it"

"S-She dumped me, F-Fenris" I blubbered "She c-c-can't stand to have me in her house anymore. I feel all alone"

Fenris screwed up his face. He lead me inside and down the hall.

"Have you eaten? I was just washing the dishes"

I shook my head, tears still pouring down my face.

"Would alcohol be better?" Fenris suggested

"Heavens no!" I shouted "Get that shit away from me"

"Alright, so we'll stick to the tea" Fenris said, disgruntled. "I made stew. Will that do?"

I nodded, and wiped my dribbling nose with my robes "S-s-sorry. Crying twice in one day doesn't make me look good"

"It doesn't" Fenris agreed "It means you've been through more hell than me"

I laughed, but a gob of spit went flying as I did. It landed on Fenris's face.

"Thank you" he said stiffly.

"Didn't mean to do that" I grumbled "You were just too funny. My spit appreciated it"

"I'm glad I could appease your spit, if nothing else"

Fenris forced me to sit down and he quickly tried to grab some food from the stove.

"I don't feel good" I said simply, as though reminding myself to stay calm. Fenris gave a bark of a laugh.

"Really? I thought you were over the moon"

"Shut up" I grinned. Fenris placed a bowl of beef and vegetable stew in front of me. I was pleased I could still smell it despite my stuffy nose "T-thank you. You're too kind to me"

"A meal is the least I could do" Fenris said. He sat next to me, turned to face me and grabbed my free hand with both of his. He looked deep into my eyes.

"Would you like to talk about it?" he asked "About what Hawke told you"

I gulped down the first spoonful as a few more tears fell into it.

"Hawke is convinced I'm in l-love with you" it was hard to look at him then "I couldn't sway her. That's why she asked me to leave"

I focused on my food with a newly found determination. Anything to block out Fenris's hypnotic stare. Those big eyes. Would he cry?

"Do you think you love me?" he said with a hushed tone.

I gulped down more stew. My heartbeat started to pound in my chest, faster, harder. It was like it was pumping diseased blood. I had to look at him sometime. Fenris squeezed my free hand. I curled my fingers around his.

"I think I'm in denial about that as well" I said "I really don't want to believe it. I know this makes me sound like a snob but I don't understand how I could love you, given our history"

"Yes. You've had a long day" Fenris agreed "I don't suppose you're feeling particularly warm toward me. What other services can I provide?"

"You're not my slave, Fenris" I smiled weakly "I know you want to be because it's a screwed up fetish of yours, probably streaming with father figure issues, but you don't need to provide me with any more services"

"But I want to, sire" Fenris lifted my hand and my insides melted as he kissed it with his gorgeous, slightly wet mouth. I couldn't believe it. I was getting all hot and bothered when I was _this_ upset. I tried to cross my legs so Fenris wouldn't see.

"I really want a bath" I said finally "It'll help me de-stress. Am I asking too much?"

I finally looked at him. I had to hold my breath, as his eyes were hungry. His teeth were slightly parted, face stony. He let go of my hand. All the warmth disappeared. He bowed.

"It's asking nothing at all"

It shouldn't, but whenever he said 'Master' I shook from the chills. That fucking elf…

He returned just as I finished my meal. I placed it in the sink. I found my tears had mostly dried for now, although I wouldn't be surprised if they made a reappearance. We looked at each other. In his eyes, I saw that he wanted me. I wondered if I was that transparent as well.

"The bath is running" he said. I knew what he wanted to say next.

"Would you do the pleasure of escorting me then?" I asked. Fenris nodded. He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me. It was like he needed any excuse to touch me, like he thrived on such excuses. I liked it. I revelled in how desperate he was. I almost wanted to extort him for as much desperation as I could. He pulled me through corridors and hidden corners, until he stopped in front of a room. A familiar loud gush of bath water could be heard. He waited for my instruction. I grinned.

"If I asked you to undress for me, would you do it?" I asked. Fenris hid beneath his hair.

"I would, Master"

"If I wanted you to stop with all the Master garbage, would you oblige?"

"If I must" Fenris murmured. I could tell he wasn't happy about this. He looked up into my face "What should I call you then?"

I pushed him backwards into the bathroom door and was so close to his face he could probably smell my breath.

"Call me by my name like a normal person" I said "and you won't make any enemies tonight"

"You already are my enemy" Fenris remarked, killing that line. I wanted to torture him as much as possible, so I started to undress as he was trapped, fully clothed.

"Who knows? Maybe if you're well behaved enough I'll let you bathe with me"

I laughed at the look of utter hatred in his eyes.

"You say this after I fed you" he said, disgruntled "and agreed to let you bathe"

"It's a messed up little world, isn't it?" I said, as I removed the last of my clothes. I had never felt so comfortable around him. I almost felt powerful. It was sick, twisted and lovely.

"I won't be long" I assured him, and before I opened the door to step inside, I grabbed that scrawny little face of his and tasted the lips I had fantasized about for what felt like eternity. I couldn't describe the taste because I wasn't paying attention. I ran my hands down his neck and down his back, feeling the round of his backside and giving it a little squeeze. Fenris was still as a rock. He only returned the kiss with no extra affection. I tensed as Fenris pushed his body into mine. He would be able to feel my heat against him. With a lot of mental strength, I let him go.

"I suppose I'll just wait, then" Fenris said "Should I prepare the guest room?"

"Only if it's a mess" I smiled "Otherwise don't bother"

I laughed at him as I stepped inside and locked the door. The bathroom was exquisite, even more so than Hawke's if that was possible. Hawke… what would she think if she could see me?

_Nothing_, I thought _She wouldn't want to see me. She's hide, run…._ _She must hate me for what I do to Fenris. She must despise me for what I failed to avoid. _

Part of me wished none of it had ever happened. Why couldn't Hawke have kept her sexy mouth shut? Why couldn't me and Fenris just stayed a fantasy in her head? Now it was real. I felt sick knowing this was a fantasy of hers long ago. If it still was, she had no way of seeing.

The tears came flowing again. It echoed around the chamber. I cried as I washed my hair, my face…. I made sure every nook and cranny on me was spotless, as my mind replayed my favourite memories over and over. The sobs echoed and bounced off the walls, making it soun so much louder than reality. Then the tears stopped. I thought of kissing Fenris, of holding him close. I remembered the weird noises he'd made when I'd been inside him so long ago. Did he dream about those times? I attempted to relieve myself of the pent up tension, but it was fruitless. My body didn't crave my hands. They wanted _his_.

There was a knock on the door.

"Are you alright, Anders?" Fenris asked "I thought I heard you being female again"

I snorted, but I wiped my eyes again.

"I don't think my sadness is something you can wish away. I don't think it will be gone for a long time"

There was a pause.

"Can I help you forget, then?"

Just what I needed. Really

"Wait for me"

He did. I was very grateful. I dried myself with the towel, wrapped it around my waist and unlocked the door. I jumped as I was met with Fenris's penetrating stare.

"Have you been just _there_ the whole time?"

"You said to wait, did you not?"

"Yeah, but… never mind" I sighed "What should we do now?"

Fenris was agile. He grabbed me by the shoulders and slammed me into the door.

"Here is fine" he smiled. He wiped a tear from my eye and kissed the side of my face. His touch was so smooth and gentle. I could tell he wanted to console me as much as pleasure me.

"Does my behavior disturb you?" he asked, tracing a finger around my cheekbones and down the bridge of my nose. I shook my head.

"Disturb me as much as you like" I breathed. I wrapped my arms around his waist and lifted him over my shoulder. Fenris bit into my shoulder.

"Ouch" I squinted as I approached the nearest room. There was a nice rug in there. I placed Fenris back on the ground and pinned him there with a sweep of my hand.

Yep, he wanted me. His eyes were screaming it. He kept his face relatively calm, though.

"Will you let me fuck you?" he asked daringly. I pulled off his clothes while my spell kept him unable to move.

"That depends. What sort of fucking are we talking about?"

"The kind that makes you nervous" Fenris smirked.

I blushed "Um, well –"

Should I tell him that I had once dreamed about him penetrating me? Like he had Hawke? That I wanted all my orifices taken care of?

"You'll have to go easy on me. I'm a poor, innocent virgin in that regard"

"It will be my absolute pleasure to take it away from you then" Fenris grinned. "but we need lubricant"

"No need to rush, darling" I said teasingly. I planted a kiss on his mouth, soaking in as much of him as I could. I hovered over him in my towel. I kissed his neck, his collarbone, his chest. Fenris squirmed but was unable to move. I ran a hand down to his hips and began to rub it. Fenris groaned.

"You're going to pay"

"I know"

"I might not go as easy on you as you'd like"

I kissed him and on purposely suffocated him while I jerked him off faster. That familiar squelching sound filled my ears, and I knew his body was lubricating itself. My wrist ached, but I ignored it. His moan was muffled. I let him breathe just this once. He breathing became very fast. I saw beads of sweat form on his brow. This time his noises didn't sound weird to me. In fact, it made me want him more. I cautiously played with his nipple and Fenris was clearly going mad. He spat through his teeth.

"Let me go" he groaned "_Now_, Anders"

"Not just yet" I said

I was going to stop the moment before he came. It was going to be horrible, but that was the whole point. I gently ran fingers across the bands of lyrium and I relaxed my throat as I put Fenris' member inside. I almost moaned out of the sheer joy of hearing Fenris being tortured. I flicked at the head with my tongue an alternated between a few things.

"Let me know what you like" I told him "otherwise you'll make me look like an idiot"

"I refuse" Fenris groaned "Deal with it, mage"

I chuckled and sucked him off harder. I experimented fiddling with his balls. No sound. Hmm… this was dumb. I replaced my mouth with my hand and carefully thread my tongue down Fenris' throat.

"I bet you like the taste of dick in your mouth, right?" I teased "You would just _love_ to go down on me too, hmm?"  
>"Shut the fuck up, Anders" Fenris groaned. He bit my lip until it started to bleed.<p>

"FUCK ouch" I groaned. I pulled away from him and brought a hand to my mouth. Blood started to dribble onto the carpet. I waved my hand and the magical bindings on Fenris' broke free. He sat up, grabbed my arms and forced me onto the ground. Now we had switched places. He took my towel away and brought his mouth down on me.

"Uh… yes…" I breathed, as Fenris brought the whole length of me down his throat "So…goooood"

Fenris whacked me on the arm.

"Shuddap" he said in a muffled voice.

"No" I protested

He lifted his head. Spit was down his front.

"Turn around" he commanded.

"Say please" I joked.

Fenris spat on me in disgust.

"Do you want me to fuck you or not?"

Point taken. I scurried up and turned so my back was to him. I quivered, as Fenris ran a hand up the inside of my thigh.

"What are you going to…. Uuhh"

I didn't need a response. Fenris was running his tongue along my backside, edging slowly and ever closer to its centre.

"Oh Maker" I breathed, I could not contain my nerves. I was shaking "I hope I don't make you siiiccck"

I trembled as Fenris gently rubbed my buttocks with his hand. His tongue had reached the centre. I was surprised the outside skin was very sensitive. I shuddered. Fenris could tell I was uncomfortable. He moved closer to me, ran a hand around my front and grabbed my shaft. He started to rub me from the front while his tongue poked around the back. Now it was starting to feel good. The combination of the two somehow worked more than one alone. An intense, fiery warmth started to creep its way down into my legs and up my back, right into my delirious mind. Everything was just so wet and wonderful. Fenris started to poke his tongue inside, exploring the skin very quickly. I groaned. My face must be red. It was so flushed.

"Maker… Fenris…." I groaned "Fenris, please"

Fenris gently prodded a finger where his tongue had been, but nothing happened.

"I'm really fucking nervous" I admitted "Please just continue what you were doing"

"I understand" Fenris nodded "Would you like to have me then?"

Yes! In the name of the sweet Maker, yes!

"Sure, why not?"

The retrieving of lubricant did not take long, and it didn't destroy the mood all that much. I played with my body while Fenris ran off, taking care not to come. I couldn't stop this now. Fenris returned and placed a hand on my head.

"Are you feeling any better?" he asked "It must be difficult to hold me while your heart is shattered in pieces"

"All I want is to not think about my broken heart" I said, voice quivering "although, maybe slightly less aggression would be nice"

"Take the lead, Anders" he said. He passed me the lubricant. For once I actually knew what to do. I took his hand and rubbed it with my thumb.

"I want to take it slow" I said, and I encouraged Fenris to join me on the carpet. He sat down.

"I'm all yours" he said with a smile.

I ran a hand through Fenris' hair and kissed him on the nose. It was going to be a long night.


	12. Chapter 12

Authors notes: Short one this time. I wanted to publish something. I have been playing Inquisition a lot lately. I also started a new fic - a Varric/Cassandra one called One Question too Many. Please check it out... if you want xD. s/10940441/1/One-Question-Too-Many

* * *

><p>Hawke had no way to quantify the sadness inside of her. She had been crying ever since Anders walked out the door, and none of her usual coping mechanisms were working. She had three helpings of pasta, had a shower, polished her nails… yet it was all in vain. What would be the next step? A fool needed a fool's company.<p>

She found herself stepping into the grimy floors of the Hanged Man an hour later. The walk did her good, certainly. She was sure the bags under her eyes were so obvious they looked like black eyes. Her inner world was so destructive that her surroundings better resembled a blur. Varric smiled when he saw her. His constant need for chattiness had never been so welcomed.

"Hawke. Good to see you out and about" he peered behind her "Where's Blondie?'

The waterworks made a reappearance. Varric looked taken aback.

"Either you're on the rag or some bad shit went down"

Hawke shook her head and took the seat opposite Varric. Varric took a squinty glance at his ale and pushed it towards her.

"You're gonna need a barrel of this stuff to calm down"

Hawke chugged it all down within seconds. Varric cleared his throat.

"Uh, does this have anything to do with Blondie by any chance? Did he slip through your fingers yet again?"

"I kicked him out. That's right, I banished him from my estate. And they call me the Hero of Fereldan"

"In the name of Andraste" Varric feigned surprised, but while she was talking a million different fuck ups passed through his head. Which one did Blondie perform?

_Maybe all of them_, he thought.

"Blondie isn't always the most selfless guy, despite that healer image of his" Varric said darkly "Does he need to pay for his crimes?"

"Maker, no" Hawke choked "It's just that… Fenris…"

"Are you sure?" Varric leant forward "Last time I saw him he seemed confused at best"

"I'm not wrong about this" Hawke said defiantly "There's something off about him."

Varric sighed and leaned back in his chair. This was going to need the most elegant of his words.

"If you want my opinion, there's always been something off about him" Varric sniggered

* * *

><p>I took a deep breath, careful to avoid Fenris' gaze as I moaned. I had managed to maneuverer ourselves so we were facing each other. His legs were balanced on my shoulders. It allowed me to get a rough, sturdy grip on him. Fenris was equally entangled in the syrupy warmth of our bodies. I thrust into him with a slow, steady rhythm. Because of our lack of experience together, but also a large amount of mutual respect – we were somewhere in between fucking and making love. It was like walking a tightrope, so elegantly trying not to fall off and break your neck. We had moved to Fenris' bed, as the rug wasn't the best to try balance your bodies like this. It was like we were spiders who had gotten stuck in the wrong web, joints poking out at weird angles. Such was the dilemma of bedding a man, I suppose. You are somewhat limited to where you can position yourself.<p>

I saw a drop of sweat trickle down Fenris' neck and onto the sheets.

"I get the impression you are not trying to hurt me" Fenris said. I continued my gentle thrusting, too enamoured by the sensation to go any faster.

"I told you I wanted to go slow" I protested, and I turned a little pinker out of embarrassment "Do you not like it? Should I violently rip you apart instead?"

"It not that I am unimpressed by your skill" Fenris said in between sharp breaths "I am just not used to it"

"Sometimes for people you really like, less is more"

I trust hard, as though to wake him up. He groaned. Maker, it was a beautiful sound. Almost as chilling as Hawke…. I tried to not cry as Fenris responded.

"Did I hear you say you 'really like me'?"

I nodded as I choked back tears I couldn't quell "Y-Yes, that's right, Fenris. I really, _really_ like you"

Fenris smiled faintly.

"It is a privilege to hear you say that"

Gradually, as though to torture Fenris, I sped up. It got to the point of no return quite quickly. My muscles were threatening to cramp on me as I pound into him, each of us getting louder and louder with every passing second. It felt like a thousand degrees in the room.

"Uhh…Fenris…" I breathed, voice aching and abnormally high with desperation. Over the top of the incessantly squeaking bed, Fenris was too busy trying to catch his breath to say more than:

"I know"

I let out an anguished sort of yelp as I finished, feeling a rumble of pleasure rip through my body and mind. I almost wished Justice could witness this, just to catch a glimpse of how I felt.

I felt like my emotional pain had been encased in a bag, and Fenris had torn it open. I shook violently as tears poured down my face. I moved Fenris's legs off my shoulders and crawled next to him.

"I know this isn't very manly of me, but c-can I give you a cuddle?" I blubbered. Fenris snorted.

"I never thought I'd hear the word 'cuddle' exit your dingy mouth." He said "what are you crying about?"

"I d-don't know" I sobbed "Please don't judge me. I don't get why I'm an emotional nutcase today. That felt so good, and I just feel so sad and happy at the same time"

"I can think of a few reasons" Fenris said, but he opened his arms and let me cry into them. He wasn't just wet from sweat now. He had my tears covering his chest as well. Sex and break ups probably weren't the best combination. When I had settled down, the sweat had all dried up, but the pungent smell remained.

"I should shower soon" I mumbled. Fenris put a finger to my mouth. He had his eyes closed and didn't speak for a moment.

"What do we do now?" he asked.

"In regards to what?" I asked.

"I have errands to run, people to kill" he said "and there's that party next Saturday"

"Shit" I said. I was so stumped as to what to do, I didn't speak to Fenris until after my shower.


	13. Chapter 13

_Authors Notes:_ I've been alternating between playing INquisition, writing this, and writing my Cassandra/Varric fic "One Question Too Many" so thank you for being patient! I hope you enjoy the chapter. I think I'm nearing close to the end :-)

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><p>I took a deep breath and looked up at the Hawke estate. It was six o'clock in the evening and I had finished another day at the clinic. There was business to attend to. Even though it had barely been a week it felt like it was years since I had looked at the door up this close. It was slightly eerie and depressing near sundown.<p>

_Come on, Anders_ – Justice said – _Hurry it up._

_I'm getting there_! I protested. After hesitating for over a minute, I knocked on the door. Bodahn answered. His features lit up.

"Hello Anders, lovely to see you"  
>"Um, Hawke told me she was going to drop off my things, but it's been 3 days. I had to buy some more clothes because I started to stink so bad. If it's not too much of an inconvenience, could you get her for me?"<p>

Bodahn's face wrinkled.

"I'm sorry to tell you this, sire, but she has no wish to see you " Bhe explained "she asked us to fetch your things. Give me a minute. Sandal and I packed it all up in a box for you"

"Excellent. Thank you" I said. I was upset Hawke had not come to meet me in person, but alas, I couldn't have everything. I always wished I could though. I wondered if she had stepped foot near my things since then. Bodahn returned a minute later and handed me a large box, neatly taped together at the top.

"Here we go, sire" he said, and leaned down to pick it up. It was only a moderate weight "We already miss your jokes around here. We're sorry what came to transpire"

"Aren't you mad at me for running off with someone else?" I asked, politely confused. Bodahn shrugged.

"It makes no difference to me, sire. No skin off my nose. Sandal and I heard Miss Hawke's and your tears that night. It was distressing for everyone. We hid in our little room wondering what to do. 'Should we go out?', I thought. But we stayed put. Even if you found yourself a new special person, I know it ain't the end of the road. These things don't come easy. It hadn't been that long. The transition is like crossing a river filled with dark spawn. I know you still care for her, Anders"

I looked up at the high windows, as though expecting to see Hawke's face. There was nothing.

"Thank you. It means a lot to hear you say that. I-I do. I miss her" I said, my voice distant "I always will. She was more than a lover to me. She is my companion, a great fighter and a wonderful friend"

"Indeed" Bodahn nodded "I'll try speak highly of you around Hawke, perhaps she would invite you around for tea"

"I'd really like it if you _didn't_ do that" I emphasized. "Nothing against you lot. I'd rather she didn't find another reason to hate me. She deserves to be around me when she wishes"

"I'll make sure of that" he held out his hand "Until next time then"

"Yeah" I shook his hand, feeling slightly more optimistic but nostalgic too "Next time"

The door closed with a clang. I heard their footsteps, and nothing else. No Hawke. She must be either really sad, or monstrously angry to avoid me entirely. It wasn't like I was a dead person. Yet she would only ask Bodahn to pack my things if she was stricken with grief. I sure hope she had some friends to confide in.

_This definitely seals the deal then._

I was just about to finish plodding down the last of the steps when a mop of black material fell over my head. I jumped.

"What on earth is this rubbish?" I yelped. I bent down at the knees, put down the box and ripped the rag off me. As I straightened it out I realized it was a brand new, very nice set of clothing. Formal attire… exactly my size and precisely my style. Only one person would have such perfect taste picking out an outfit….

"Hawke?" I muttered.

I looked up at the Estate again, and saw this time one of the windows was open. At first I thought no one was there, but I stayed waiting for a couple of minutes. In the distance I saw a pair of troubled blue eyes cautiously make their appearance. It was none other than my beautiful ex. She jumped when she saw me and turned to leave.

"Wait! Please don't go!" I called, and I folded the new outfit in my hands "I wanted to say thank you!"

Hawke walked backwards until she reached the window's edge. I could see the back of her head.

"What for?" she called. Her voice rebounded strangely since she was facing the walls.

"For the outfit. It is going to look fantastic on me! It saves me a whole lot of trouble. I truly, deeply appreciate it!" I had to raise my voice quite a lot. The building was so large I wondered if it was loud enough still. Hawke stayed where she was.

"I had fun picking it out"

"Are you going to go still?" I asked. Hawke hesitated.

"I will if you do"

"It's a deal then" I grinned. Hawke didn't respond. I continued to observe the pretty back of her hair "Right, now that's done and dusted…I guess I'll be going now. I hope you have a good evening!"

I bent down, picked up the box again, and turned to go. Even if I didn't see her face, at least I got to hear her voice. I was grateful she had at least shown me the back of her head. She could have just thrown the outfit out.

"Anders!"

Was I imagining it? No!

Hawke's voice was distant and far away. I turned and was shocked to see right into her brilliant eyes. Even though she was meters above me, I could see it as though she was up close. I saw the look of disdain and bitterness in her face. It broke my heart to look. It was the look of someone broken. She had probably been crying for days.

"Is something the matter?" I had to put in a lot of effort not to say 'my love' out of habit. Hawke shook her head, but she wouldn't look away from me. I couldn't turn away either. Like some rare, precious jewel I wanted to enjoy a moment like we used to. Was our connection still there? I prayed to the Maker our relationship had not been completely damaged. Her sadness was so fascinating to watch and so bittersweet at the same time.

"I – I look forward to seeing you there"

"Me too" I agreed. Hawke smiled once and left. I began my way home, and I remembered with uncanny detail Hawke's look of surprise when I initially moved in. We were in her room, and I was unpacking my small assortment of belongings in the brilliant light.

"Do you only have your clothes?" she asked. I had nodded.

"I used to own a cat, but he died a long time ago. I have no other fond memories or possessions. It all reminds me of the circle"

"It's a bit depressing, don't you think?" Hawke asked "You didn't collect any memorabilia on your travels? No gifts from your clients?"

"I got a few gifts from clients" I admitted "Most were home made jams and spreads. I like that stuff."

"I do too" Hawke smiled, as she helped me unpack.

"Isn't that lovely? We should make some toast and open one of the jars"

That's exactly what we did. The memories were just as vibrant and comforting as the day they happened. Once we had finished carrying boxes we prepared some iced tea, toast and sat down on the balcony. The sky was crystal clear without a single cloud in the sky. The weather wasn't so hot as to be disturbing. A pleasant breeze wafted from some distant ocean. You could almost taste the salt in the air. Hawke shut her eyes as she bit into the multi grain toast. Her smile became glittered with bread crumbs, and her lip gloss became smudged.

"That is amazing" she awed, licking her lips happily. The raspberry conserve was removed. I felt an immense adoration just looking at her childlike disposition. The light breeze lifted her chestnut brown hair off her shoulders slightly. It made it look like it was floating or dancing in the air. Her blue eye peered at me.

"What's that look for?" she grinned, her teeth sparkling.

"I am just admiring your never ending stream of adorableness, my love" I smiled. Hawke laughed.

"Does Justice like looking at me too?"

I peered inside my own mind for a moment and assumed the silence as a sign of disinterest.

"He'll deal with it"

There were many times we ate breakfast out on the balcony, especially when it wasn't freezing. We often had tea as well. The mixture of her company and the hot steamy mug was enough to keep me content every morning. Hawke taught me how to improve my cooking. Since I was so exhausted from working I usually just made the same thing all the time. Salads were surprisingly nice on that balcony too. A client of mine gave us some dressing as payment for my services. It is amazing how talented people are, and such a shame that finances or ill health keep them from performing their best.

My stomach grumbled. How I wanted to get home and have some of Fenris' cooking. Being with him didn't feel too much different to being with Hawke. The only difference was the emotions were a lot more intense. The daily route of going to work and coming home was more or less identical. I guess we had all travelled so much as a group that our habits had rubbed off one another. I was certain that when the initial honeymoon period died down, it would resemble more the feelings I had for Hawke. Did that mean I was falling for him? Maybe Hawke was right. For so long I had wanted her, and only her. I had spent so long checking out her bony ass while we fought darkspawn it was embarrassing. It was astounding it had changed so abruptly and unpredictably. Was anything in life truly constant?

I wanted to have the same values with Hawke as I did with Fenris. Honesty being the most important one, especially if he wanted me to trust him… as I purged my brain from the last of my Hawke memories, a new objective began to form. Even if I despised it, I had to tell Fenris why the party had been initiated.

* * *

><p>"Welcome home" Fenris said as he answered the door. He offered out his arms. "I can take that from here, Anders"<p>

"Something smells amazing" I grinned "Oh, but before we eat there's something I want to tell you"

I told Fenris the true purpose of the party. Needless to say it was not the most pleasant of conversations. I'd rather argue with Grand Cleric Meredith again then have to deal with Fenris wanting to tear my head off my neck. He eventually calmed down, though. Alcohol may have helped with that. Despite everything, I helped him find an outfit and we decided to go. The real question was: would everybody else?

"You look rather charming now you've got a smile of your face" I noted. Fenris was wearing a black and silver suit. It was probably the sort of thing Magister's wore. It must give him a crude satisfaction to match their level. We were standing in front of Fenris's gigantic mirrors, making the final adjustments.

"Should I do it more often, then?" he drawled. I kissed him on the cheek, feeling like a giddish school girl.

"Only when it suits you, my dear"

"No problem" he said. He ran a single comb through his hair. "Are you ready to endure this social gathering?"  
>"I suppose I have to be, don't I?" I sighed.<p>

The closer we got to Merrill's house in the alienage, the more nervous I became. It was like my stomach had been tied in a knot and someone was pulling the string with every step. It got to the point where it was becoming quite painful. The assortment of multi coloured lanterns hanging outside did little to calm me down. I probably looked constipated, or with a desperate case of really nasty food poisoning.

Fenris noticed the look on my face. He tapped me on the shoulder.

"Anders" he said in that deep, business like tone. I didn't get a chance to look him in the face because he kissed me on the cheek. It was quick and sweet. A genuine smile crossed my features – one of relief.

"Thank you, my dearest friend"

Fenris snorted "Don't call me your _friend_, you abomination"

"I split up with my girlfriend a _week ago_, give me a bloody break! You're the dirty abomination here" I muttered darkly. Fenris chuckled, he caught my eye with a piercing stare.

"Kiss me and the believe you"

"Fine, you mangy elf"

I kissed him hard on the mouth, biting his bottom lip. He gave an appreciative chuckle.

"I like it when you're angry" he murmured "Master"

"Don't let Hawke hear you say that" I warned "She'll want your head served on a platter"

"Don't insult my intelligence, mage" Fenris growled.

"That's better" I smiled.

I knocked on the door and Merrill answered. She had a string of golden chains in her hair.

"Oh golly, it's the troublesome duo!"

"Nice to see you too" I replied.


	14. Chapter 14

Walking inside Merrill's house with Fenris reminded me of being back in the Circle, trying to escape. Break a window here, knock out a guard there… The feeling of many eyes staring was second nature, but the emotions were not. The guilt felt all too familiar, like the time I had introduced myself to the Hero of Fereldan many years prior.

_Uh… I didn't do it,_ is what I had said. I wished I could say that now. What happened to that jovial creature, I wondered? Too many escape attempts took its toll on a man. It tired my legs as well as my weary mind. Justice took my desire to escape and made me become addicted to it, like some crude Templar and his lyririum. While I was traveling other realms in my head, I think part of that sunny disposition had been lost. Did I drop it, or was it stolen? One thing was for sure. There were no windows here. No chance to run. I had to endure. Varric caught my eye first, then Aveline.

"Good evening, Anders" Aveline smiled. She looked stunning in a black dress, almost like the true lady she was. Varric raised his glass.

"Nice to get out of work for an evening" Aveline smiled "I didn't expect the two of you would be arriving together"

"Is it so surprising?" Fenris asked "We were all going to the same place."

"Broody and Blondie have an unholy arrangement" Varric eluded darkly. Aveline blinked.

"Oh? What would that be?"

Varric was about to answer when I pushed past them.

"Is there any food? I'm starving" I ranted, raising my voice. Fenris nodded.

"I also wouldn't mind being fed" he added. Aveline must have been staring at us. There were not too many places we could go. I spotted a young woman playing an acoustic guitar in the corner. It was lovely music. Very suitable…. My heart leapt in my chest as Merrill and Hawke became visible. They were sipping what looked like blood red punch. I tried to smile as Hawke peered me up and down, but she looked stony. Her blue dress was depressingly accurate to her mood.

"Would you like some treats?" Merrill smiled "I spent such a long time preparing this. It is a little embarrassing to admit how much"

The food was mostly bread, crackers with what looked like dip. A nice arrangement, if not a little lacking.

"Should I prepare myself an antidote for these poisons?" Fenris asked. I kicked his ankle.

"No need to be rude, Fenris. Merrill put in a lot of effort to be accommodating"

"If I wanted accommodation I'd go to a tavern" Fenris admitted, his deep voice as endearing as the music. He raised his head "Hello Hawke. The dress accentuates your features well"

_For once I don't think accentuate is a good thing_. I thought.

Merrill giggled. She nudged Hawke.

"I think he's actually complimenting you, Hawke. Isn't that exciting?"

Hawke looked dazed. She must be tipsy "Fenris isn't being intolerable?"

"Don't look at me, he's just over there." Merrill pointed "Say hello"

Hawke's eyes widened as she saw me "A-Anders… you look very pretty"

"He does, doesn't he?" Merrill agreed, and she winked at me "Looks like he might sweep someone off his feet. Very handsome. Do you think you could save Hawke a dance, Anders?"

I blinked "sorry. Am I going deaf or did you say I should _dance_ with Hawke?"

'No, I'm not losing my ears" Merrill said in a secretly obtuse tone "How about some jolly dancing then, hm?"

"I'm not one for waltzing" Fenris cooed. He placed a hand on my back "but watching Anders stumble over his own feet is a spectacle I would be crazy to miss"

"Hey" I hissed in his ear "Are you trying to murder me from awkwardness, here? In case your little head hasn't drained itself empty Hawke is _my ex girlfriend_. What are you trying to do to me?"

"I am trying to save you a marvellous waterworks display" Fenris breathed, and when I looked at Hawke I realized he was right. She may have said she'd be happy to see me, but it didn't look that way now. Her eyes were sparkling with tears, as though someone had forced her to watch paint dry for a week. I gulped uncomfortably. There was no other way.

"Turn that frown upside down, dear Hawke" I smiled, and trembling, I reached out my hand. She gingerly took it.

"Aw, now isn't that nice?" Merrill bustled "Would you like to balance out the stakes, Fenris?"

Fenris' eyes flashed darkly as Hawke and I stepped forward to the clearest space in the venue. There were ribbons decorated on the walls, as though indicating we were meant to dance here.

"Do I have a choice?" I heard him say. I focused on their conversation so I didn't have to be distracted by Hawke's distraught tenderloins. Looking at Hawke's shoulders I placed one hand on her waist, and the other in her hand. My stomach lurched as I remembered the hundred times I had done this previously. It didn't feel any different. It almost felt _normal_. Merrill giggled.

"You do, as a matter of fact. I just thought it would help Anders and Hawke feel at home"

"Hmm I'll take the risk" Fenris said. Anger roamed my insides.

_No, you stupid idiot! Make it less awkward for me!_ I wanted to yell at him. The acoustic guitar began to strum up a new tune. It was slower, more inviting. Hawke and I began to waltz slowly in a typical box like formation.

"Y-You probably don't want to hear this…" Hawke began "but I'm always going to miss you. For the rest of my life I'll mourn what we no longer have"

_And there's the alcohol talking_

"That was a sudden jump in conversation" I noted, and my eyes scanned the room. I saw Varric chatting with Aveline. Aveline looked confused at best. "What did Merrill put in the punch, I wonder? Does it taste good? Should I get some?"

"You couldn't have responded in a worse way" Hawke pointed out. She hiccupped. I sighed.

"You're right. What do you want me to say? There's nothing you don't already know"

I made careful effort to not look in her eyes, as I knew she'd hate me if I did.

Hawke hesitated "Do you still love me?"

"Oh Maker, are we playing point-out-the-obvious now?" I demanded. "Of course I do. Just a gentle reminder that _you_ kicked _me_ out, not the other way around"

I was pleased to see our conversation was carrying around the room. It was obviously bad enough that Fenris had decided to start dancing with Merrill. Serves him right. I looked down at Hawke but she was fixated on my chest.

"There was no point prolonging the inevitable" she said softly "You would have left me eventually anyway"

_No, my love!_ I thought_ You can't know that. Love conquers all, remember?_

My heart froze as I saw tears trickle down Hawke's face. It was almost like the break up was permanently stuck in the forefront of her brain. Still, she didn't look in my eyes.

_It does this for me too,_ I wanted to say. As though the musician could feel awkwardness levels in the room, she began a new song. This one had lyrics. It didn't make things any better.

'_Something in your eyes makes me want to loose myself. Makes me want to loose myself. In your arms. '_

_Great. Perfect._ I thought annoyed. I brought a finger to Hawke's cheek just as Fenris' echoed my thoughts.

"How romantic" he said disdainfully "Does this make you want to kiss me, Merrill?"

Merrill giggled "Oh, no. I do love this song though. My parents played it at their wedding. It reminds me of what family should be like"

Fenris uttered an annoyed noise "You're the only one enjoying it"

I saw them twirl in the corner of my eye. I took time wiping each individual tear off Hawke's face. My protective mannerisms kicked in.

"Of course I miss you, my love" I whispered in a hushed tone "The memories will never leave me, I assure you"

I followed Fenris's lead and twirled Hawke. I saw Hawke's empty gaze peer aimlessly. The lyrics rattled the broken pieces of my heart.

" If you knew how lonely my life has been / And how long I've been so alone / And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along / And change my life the way you've done"

I caught Hawke's hands back, and I had the temptation to kiss her. I leaned forward and my nose almost touched her cheek when someone tapped me on the shoulder.

"I think that's enough dancing for now" Fenris said firmly. I snapped out of my stupor. Merrill was staring at me. I shook my head at her.

"Great idea. How about we trade places?" Merrill suggested. Fenris let go of Merrill so fast it was like she was a spider. Instead of grabbing me, Fenris pushed past me and held onto Hawke.

_What_? I gaped. Merrill seemed very happy. She placed a hand on my waist.

"I've always wanted to dance with you, pretty Anders" Merrill smiled. We resumed dancing positions. She looked oddly charming in her dress. Pink with flowers. I was still trying to recover from what just happened.

"Uh huh. Is that something I should be worried about?" I asked. Merrill giggled.

"Of course not. You simply have great dancer's legs. My clan would have been all over you if you were Dalish"

"I'm not sure I'd cope with all the trees" I admitted "I'd be prone to burning them down. There wouldn't be much of a clan left"

Merrill smiled "Maybe we would have gotten along quite well, then"

"You do blood magic" I noted "I'm not sure we would have"

I tried to look over my shoulder to find Fenris but Merrill seemed determined to distract me.

"Fenris has great dancer's legs too. Although I'm not sure I should be surprised" she laughed "He is an elf, after all"

"Are you trying to tell me all elves are naturally born, talented dancers?" I marvelled "Do you enter flower laden competitions as a way to pass the time?"

Merrill bit the inside of her mouth.

"Well, there are other uses for legs like that, but I'm sure you know all too well" she quickly changed the subject "I'm sorry the song choice is terrible. I think it's a beautiful song"

"Come on, no one said it was _terrible_…" I lost my footing for a second "It is just terribly inappropriate at present"

Time for a twirl. I raised my hand high. Merrill's dress fluttered out as she did.

"But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me /And I can almost see, through the dark there is light"

"Thank you for taking care of Hawke for me" I said "Words are not adequate enough to express it"

"You don't need to thank me. It is an absolute pleasure" Merrill smiled "in a weird way it makes me realize how lonely I am"

"I hope your party hasn't been spectacularly ruined" I sighed. Merrill shook her head.

"Don't be silly. _I'm_ still happy to see you"

I smiled at her. I almost forgot about the overly nostalgic song. That is, until this happened.

A loud shout pierced the bustle of chatter and feet. I saw a flurry of a dress. Thin handfuls of blue.

"Leave me alone!" cried the voice. I turned and saw Fenris looked taken aback with his hands in his pockets. Hawke was gone. Varric came over.

"Oh no. Broody, your attitude is rubbing off on her. You've got to be a _bit_ more careful than that"

Fenris bared his teeth "Her reaction is of no consequence to me"

Merrill and I stopped dancing. Merrill looked worried.

"What on earth happened?"

"Fenris is not as skilled with conversation as he'd have you believe" Aveline added. I gaped.

"Were you two eavesdropping? Should I have you evicted?"

Varric laughed "Why not? It's hilarious. My opinion of you has neither skyrocketed or plummeted, Blondie"

"Do men _ever_ know what it means to be quiet, Aveline?" Merrill demanded. She hurried off to the next room.

"Not in my personal experience, no" Aveline said "Maybe you've been more lucky"

I was about to give Fenris a good, long lecture, but Merrill yelped.

"Anders!" she called "Come here now"

I tore my gaze away from Fenris's one of discontentment and power walked into the next room. Others followed. My jaw dropped at the sight. Merrill had gone blue, as her skin could go white no more. Hawke was on the floor. Her dress was swishing around everywhere like it had caught electricity, but it was nothing compared to her body. The lips I'd kissed so many times had turned purple. Her eyes were blank. She was foaming yellowish black discharge from the mouth and she was jerking uncontrollably. The floor had never looked less inviting. My mind connected dots immediately. The gurgling of her voice could not be ignored. It was almost like another day at work. I rushed over to her and scanned her body with my favourite spell.

"What is this? What did she drink?" I demanded hurriedly. Merrill was as quick as I was. She fiddled around nervously at some jars in her cupboard.

"I think it was – oh no – maybe the Elemental Poison?"

"Yes or no?!" I yelled. Merrill danced on the spot.

"Yes! It was that one!"

"How many Blood Lotus?" I asked, and I started weaving the spell to reverse it. Merrill hesitated.

"Uh… 5 branches"

"Five? That's overkill, Merrill. What is your bleeding problem?" I demanded. Merrill dropped down on the floor with me. Her voice shook and she held back tears.

"It was my own creation. I need to find some way to pass the time. Self-defence seemed like a good idea'

"Poison is never a good idea" I glared at her "Give me a minute. I need to concentrate"

"I expected nothing less from a Dalish blood mage" Fenris murmured. Merrill glared at him.

"If she dies, it's _your_ fault!"

"How is it my fault what she chooses to do?" Fenris asked. "Her foolishness is not my concern"

"Is now really the time for this?" Aveline wondered.

Merrill sighed loudly, ignoring the voice of reason. She was almost shouting at Fenris.

"You're a Tevinter. I'm not surprised you don't care about other people's feelings"

"Quiet" I commanded, and they shut up. The spell twisted out of my hands and dived down into Hawke's mouth. I prayed for her safety, her life. I concentrated with all my might, and felt my power draining. Hawke coughed up more foam. Aveline ducked down beside me.

"Is there anything more she needs?" she asked. I shook my head.

"Perhaps some water for when she wakes"

"Understood" Aveline said, and she wandered over to the sink. Alcohol and poison? There was no worse combination.

We waited with baited breath. Hawke continued to twitch, and I feared the worst.

* * *

><p><em>Authors notes:<em> Hope you liked the chapter. The song referenced is the acoustic cover of "Feels like Home" by Edwina Hayes. Enjoy!


	15. Chapter 15

It felt like hours. I was staring into my ex lover's face with a sickness upon my breath. Now that the magic was doing the last it could, the questions started to pour into my nervous mind. Why had she done this? Did Fenris provoke it, as Varric and Aveline seemed to believe or was it entirely the choice of the heartbroken mage? Merrill started to sob.

"Please don't die, Hawke" she muttered, trying and failing to keep composure "Who else is going to drink tea with me?'

I scanned her body again, and relief washed over my system as effectively as a potion. Suddenly, I was lighter. My jaw didn't feel like it was going create stress fractures in my teeth.

"She _isn't_ going to die" I said with a shuddering breath "She's alive. She is just going to need to rest for a few days so her body can clear the last of it out of her system"

Surprisingly this made Merrill sob more, but her tears were one of relief.

"Oh, thank goodness! She had me so worried, the silly lamb"

There was nothing more I could do. I retracted the spell, and we all watched as the color come back into Hawke's face. There was a fleeting moment where she fluttered her eyelashes, confused, and then she rolled onto her side and vomited. The ones who were standing – Varric, Aveline and Fenris gave sounds of surprise, and mild disgust. Merrill even scrambled closer to Hawke's side and pat her on the back.

"Wow, I didn't think vomiting poison would look so foul" Hawke remarked. I snorted. She still had a sense of humour. She couldn't be completely gone. Merrill peered into Hawke's eyes like a child who received nothing for her birthday. I took the glass of water Aveline passed me and held it out.

"What am I doing here again?" Hawke asked. Merrill continued to rub Hawke on the back. She took the glass of water from me and offered it to the damsel.

"We were all dancing, remember? And then Fenris…" she peered to glare at the elf "Made you run here"

Everyone glared at Fenris, even Hawke. Fenris simply watched Hawke with his hands still in his pockets. He looked mildly irritated, but he did not retaliate.

"You need to rest now" I instructed "No more joyful frolicking on the dance floor for you"

It was as though the memories were returning to Hawke's mind. With a heart wrenching squeal she curled up in a ball and started to rock there, sobbing uncontrollably.

"I don't want to be here!" is what she wailed. Her voice was shrill and unrecognizable with delirium. She hardly resembled herself with her strange behaviour. Her dress had bits of mucus and yellow foam stuck to it. Aveline and Varric came to the floor with a bucket and sponge. They started to mop it up.

"Don't get that shit in your hair, Hawke" Varric said darkly. He squeezed out the sponge. "I'm not sure there's a shampoo brand specifically for blood lotus concoctions"

Hawke sobbed loudly as a result, and Merrill squeezed Hawke's arm.

"Would you like to go for a walk outside?" she asked "If I had just ingested poison I know I wouldn't want all these people staring at me"

_Really?_ I thought. Was Hawke seriously going to invest her emotional energies into Merrill when she had me? I was the person she'd poured her heart and soul into for such a long while, even before we were dating. Surely I didn't mean nothing to her now? To my dismay and intrigue, Hawke nodded.

"Let's get out of here, Merrill" she said.

"D-Don't I even get a thank you?" I blurted out "Maybe thanking people has gone out of fashion now, but I just _saved you_ from _dying_, Hawke"

Hawke was on her feet now. Aveline mopped off the last of the poison and vomit from her dress. Hawke peered over her shoulder at me. Her eyes were more broken than I had ever seen them. They were the eyes of a stranger, a madman. I almost thought she was possessed.

"Why should I thank you when I didn't want to be saved?" she asked, bitterly.

I was completely immobilized and speechless. Merrill looked shocked as well, but she pressed onward.

"Never mind this lot. Maybe we can get some lovely cakes from that poor old lady by the turf' Merrill continued "I wonder if she's still working at this hour – I guess we can only find out one way, can we?"

Hawke didn't seem to be in the mood to speak. I couldn't help but question if that was my fault.

"Thank you, Merrill. I appreciate the help"

I felt more confused than ever as they vanished from the kitchen area. Apparently Hawke had intended to kill herself and she was angry at me for saving her life. She trusted Merrill more than myself or Varric to calm her. I guess it wasn't a surprise that she had tried to complete suicide – since when do people raid poison cupboards and drink one by accident? It seemed unnerving and out of character that someone who had fought more battles he could count – who had seen so much bloodshed and death – was choosing to end her life _now_, of all times. Aveline tipped out the bucket of disgusting water in the sink. Varric finished washing his hands. As far as I could tell, Fenris had not moved one step.

I took a deep breath.

"Did you guys hear that too or am I seeing hallucinations brought on by shock?" I asked. Varric wiped his hands on a tea towel.

"Nah, she's one depressed kid" Varric sighed "All this drama is making me think back to my brother when we were teenagers"

"It goes without saying that this has been a troublesome ordeal for all of us" Aveline agreed "It's a sorry mistake that this had to happen during a reunion, of all things"

A hand wrapped around my shoulder. There was only one person's it could be.

"Are you alright?" asked Fenris. His voice was calm and unshaken. I noticed there was cold sweat on my brow. I never would have dreamed the night would turn so virulent.

'I need a drink. A hundred, maybe. My head will not settle with a simple round of chatter"

"I'll get one for you" Fenris said softly, and he marched off into the next room.

"I think we could _all_ use a drink" Varric said, rubbing his hands together "Too many hormones and mix ups happening in one place"

Truer words had never been spoken. I stumbled to my feet, feeling light headed. Reversing the effects of the poison had taken it out of me. I felt like I'd run a mile in the space of three minutes. My heart rate was only starting to settle.

"That must have been almost unwatchable" Aveline told me, as everyone following Fenris to the next room. I nodded.

"It's not like dealing with the usual patients, that's for sure" I agreed.

We had reached the kitchen where the musician was eating bread with a guilty look on her face. She jumped.

"I'm sorry! I didn't know what to do so I just started eating out of nerves. Merrill said I could!" she cried. Varric laughed.

"Don't stress. We weren't going to eat it all"

"Is it all fixed up now?" she asked, worried. Aveline sighed.

"As far as we know for now" she said. The musician nodded.

"Good. That sounded stressful as anything – should I play some music?"

"So long as you don't sing" I warned. She nodded and retreated back to the corner. Fenris was sitting down on a chair, trying to make sure his punch glass was just as full as mine. He passed me one.

"Thanks, Fenris" I said quickly. I drank half with one gulp. "Now is when you cunningly explain to me why I shouldn't torture you for a week"

"I simply told her she shouldn't rely on you to fill her emotional wants, because it won't work" he explained "I don't think that is worth punishing me over"

"It's all in the tone, Broody" Varric explained "You can make 'I love you' sound like 'I want to break your spine' without even trying. Isn't that right, Anders?"

I glared at him "Don't make me hurt you" I paused "If that's true I don't see why she reacted so badly"

"Do I have to explain everything to you men?" Aveline sighed. We turned to her.

"Yes" Varric, Fenris and I responded in unison. Aveline took a sip of some punch as well.

"It should be obvious to every one of you that she isn't coping with Anders being with Fenris. She may be the Champion of Kirkwall but that doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings. Her family is mostly gone – Anders was probably one of the only things she had left. Can you imagine how much hurt she must be in?"

_She probably blames herself_, I reasoned, but I didn't say it out loud. I really wish she hadn't run off with Merrill!

"What should we do?" Fenris asked. We all looked at each other.

"I don't want to think about this until Hawke comes back. I kind of want to dance." I peered at Fenris, but he was already looking at me. We were both thinking the same thing.

"About time you asked me to dance with you" Fenris grumbled, and we got on our feet.

"What song should I play?" the musician asked. I shrugged.

"Something that isn't what was on before"

"Right on it"

I smiled at Fenris as he took my waist, and I took his hand. We began to waltz and the musician started to sing. Varric and Aveline shared stories and sipped their drink. My mind began to empty for the first time all night.

"Moon river wider than a mile/I'm crossing you in style someday / You dream maker, you heartbreaker / Wherever you're going I'm going your way"

I felt like I could drift away with him. His rough hands were gentle, but firm. His eyes relaxed, but with a history of pain behind them. I wanted to know his pain so I could vanquish my own. I rest my forehead on his shoulder. I breathed in his scent. I wanted to be taken away. The room ceased to exist He whispered in my ear.

"I'm sorry I told Hawke the truth" he breathed sharply "I thought it would help her"

"I think she already knows" I sighed "She just doesn't like it"

"I didn't like you and Hawke together, either" he said grimly. I smiled. He was too bitter, that stupid elf. I touched noses with him. He seemed perplexed by my very existence. I absorbed the music. It didn't seem awkward. I guess it was because I was with him.

"Two drifters, off to see the world / There's such a lot of world to see / We're after that same rainbow's end, waiting, round the bend / My Huckleberry Friend, Moon River, and me"

"I'm lucky Hawke didn't kill you when you told her' Fenris said "for that I need to thank her"

I didn't know how to reply. Fenris lay his head across my chest. We danced there until our feet hurt. It was a long while until Merrill returned with Hawke. That was ok. For once I didn't mind Hawke was gone.

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><p>authors notes: Short one. Look up the acoustic cover of "Moon river" by The Honey trees - its beautiful. The best cover I've heard of the song... ever! It was inspired by a dance scene between Prior and Louis from the Mini series - Angels in America. Look that up too! Thanks for reading.<p> 


	16. Chapter 16

_Authors notes:_ Shortest. Chapter. _Ever_. I didn't think I was far off the end, though. Thanks for all the follows and reviews. :-) Hope this isn't too anti climactic! lol

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><p>"I'm sorry, Anders" Hawke said. She was staring at the floor while Merrill held her hand. I watched their interlocked fingers with suspicion "You're right, I shouldn't have done it. I made everyone worry. I should have waited until I got home and then jumped off the balcony instead"<p>

"Hawke!" Merrill shook her, tears in her big eyes. I sighed.

"I would really love it if we could still be friends" I told her "It will just be like when Fenris would come over, just in reverse. We just wouldn't be able to show our affection in a physical way. You know, because _that's what relationships do_"

I didn't mean to sound so aggressive. I suppose the alcohol was rubbing off on me a little bit. Fenris grabbed my hand as well, as though to say 'He's _mine'_. Hawke took a deep breath.

"I do feel like it's my fault. I don't think you can convince me otherwise"

"Relationships are formed by _two_ people, not one, Hawke" Fenris interjected, and I was amazed by his wisdom "The blame game is tempting, but it is rarely accurate. I've tried to play it too many times. I always lose."

"Except in our case, there were 3" I added on "so it was all our faults. Mine, Fenris' and yours. We all should take some of the blame. Does that make it easier?"

Hawke shook, she looked into my eyes. I saw hope, as well as the downtrodden damsel. She nodded.

"What am I going to do with myself?" she wondered aloud "I feel like nothing without you, Anders"

"Merrill wants your company" Fenris pointed to their interlocked hands "she'll poison you with tea and then we won't have to"

I nudged him "Fenris!"

He smiled "I'm joking"

"Wouldn't that be just lovely?" Merrill smiled "Besides, some Templars will probably be knocking on my door soon. I think they've figured out where you've been hiding, Anders"

"It wasn't exactly hard to figure it out" I said "They gave us a good number of months. If you want my opinion they're pretty bloody stupid."

"The rebellions been starting for ages" Varric said "You idiots just haven't been noticing. People running all over the place. When we went to the Blooming rose the opposite building was on fire"

"I _do so_ have been noticing!" I protested "I just don't like thinking about it with relationship matters clogging my head. Why so you think I walk with my head down and hide behind Hawke every time we go out?"

"Hush, hush. That's not important" Merrill said "what matters is we're friends again, right?"

"Yes" I nodded. Fenris smiled. He didn't say anything, though.

"Shall we be off, then?" Fenris asked. I nodded.

"I think so, my dear elf slave" I winked at Hawke. She smiled. "I think so"

I waved goodbye to my friends. I wish I knew then it was the last time I'd see them in a long while. I would have given them a hug. Little did I know Hawke had dobbed in about my location while in an angry, drunken rage. Merrill urged me not to worry. She just told me to run.

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><p>I packed one extra pair of clothes in a bag with some washing detergent. It was early in the morning – sunrise, in fact. The perfect time for an escape plan. I think I'd know. I'd only done it half a dozen times. Fenris peered over my shoulder. He had his armour on. It felt like old times. He had food and one extra pair of clothes in a bag too.<p>

"Are you ready to go?" he asked. I stood up and kissed him on the mouth.

"Let's get out of this sorry excuse of a city"

He took my hand and we walked out the door of Fenris' mansion. Fenris locked it. It would probably get trashed, but we had no time to worry about that. What would Hawke be doing? Would she run? Would she just be sipping tea without a care in the world? Merrill seemed fond of her. I hope she would take care of Hawke for me. Maybe we'd see each other again on our travels. It certainly felt strange without Varric or Aveline. It probably wouldn't be like before at all. This was hard to picture, so I tried not to.

There was a lot more fire around the city than there was yesterday. We tried to ignore it, attempted to cover our noses. I covered us with a protective magical barrier as Justice tried to break through. A Templar on patrol spotted us, and we ran.

"Go fuck yourself, you stupid lyrium addicted bastard!" I began, but Fenris hit me on the shoulder.

"Provoking him is _not_ a good idea, Anders! This isn't the Circle. It's a war."

We would run. We'd hide. Create camp fires and dance in the rain... Probably stark naked with alcohol, I might add. Then we'd run some more. But at least I had my little elf slave, and he had his master.

What looked like a large, strange green cloud was starting to engulf the sky. I wondered what it was. I got the sense we were going to find out very soon.


End file.
